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>speak. My bad.

Just force it out. A torn asshole is a small price to pay for the ultimate feeling of a flapping hole that just dropped 5 pounds of crap out of it.

It's probably too late but make sure you're properly hydrated and this wont happen.

>>1004141
Cant do it anon.
Its the middle of the night and I dont want to be rushed to the hospital with a huge gash in my anus and having to explain that to my parents the next morning.

Lots of coffee and nicotine (either cigarettes or snuff/dip/chew).

Both are diuretics and will get that poop moving. To underscore this, people who have recently quit smoking usually notice constipation.

drink a bottle of Magnesium citrate with lemon, recommended by a pharmacist, the product works, if you decide to try it, make sure you drink plenty of water.

>>1004143
Strange thing is, I've been drinking a shit ton more than usual anyway. wtf.

>>1004145
Not a smoker but I'll put down a fuckton of coffee right now.
Thanks.

I've heard berries will get your shit moving.
Is this true?

>>1004146
> I need something that will make my shit literally fly out my ass.

coffee is always an effective remedy

tea is nice too, but it doesn't help so much

drink tea anyway, just more

What should I be staying away from /ck/? I dont want to eat anything that'll make this worse.

Time for an enema.

>>1004144
>middle of the night

Australia?

be a man go poop it!

>I need something that will make my shit literally fly out my ass.

Getting it to sprout wings is going to be tricky...

>>1004145
Diuretics make you pee, not poo.

>>1004167
Lucky guess man.

How much coffee should I be drinking here? This is going to fuck with my sleeping pattern like no tomorrow.

>>1004180
>>1004169
Not gonna happen guise.
See
>>1004144

Eat loads of stuff cooked in Olestra. Should make your shit looser and greasier. Hey Presto!

>>1004184
Try drinking hot water

It tastes crap but it works better than coffee or tea anyway keep drinking it till you poop

if you gots med lemon or hot toddy it makes it tastier

>>1004195
No idea what a hot toddy is, but I have this lemony med drink for colds and flu's, would that work?

What should you avoid? FOOD.
What should you consume? Tea made from strawberry leaves.

>>1004206
same sorta thing 'cept hot toddies are homeopathic

the hotter you're able to drink it the more effective it will be. don't burn yourself!

>>1004137
I find that if there's something in front of you, while you're on the toilet, and you are able to reachout and grab a hold of it and ever so slightly pull yourself up off the toilet a tiny tiny bit that your abdominal muscles will clench much better than normal. Then you simply crap while doing this and things come out much much much easier than they normally do. It basically gives you intestines something to press against so they can increase pressure.

Also, eat a lot of bananas. They moderate you. If you are constipated they help keep you loose. If you are too loose then help you firm up. They'll keep things right in the middle because they are packed with the right kind of fiber.

Thank you /ck/ for your advice. Shit, I honestly thought that I would get trolled, but your all pretty decent people.
The coffee is making me sleepy as hell though.

>>1004214
Fuck. Should've brought those banana's when I had the chance the other day.
Also amazing specific's there. Your own practice's there?

I cant take much more coffee. Going to bed, hoping it'll die down till morning so I can go buy a bottle of liquid lax and down it.
Goodnight /ck/
You are all gentlemen.

>>1004224
>Your own practice's there?

Not for the bananas. I googled stuff about bananas and found that out and now eat them more regularly.

Yes, for the lifting. I found out by accident when I was on the toilet and picked my self up a little bit to reposition on the seat. It was like, "KABOOM!" and I was finished. Now I do that all the time and it cuts toilet time in half. I calculate that over the course of a year I'm saving many hour's worth of sitting on the toilet for other more important things...like posting on 4chan.

>>1004246
I think I love you anon.

>I find that if there's something in front of you, while you're on the toilet, and you are able to reachout and grab a hold of it and ever so slightly pull yourself up off the toilet a tiny tiny bit that your abdominal muscles will clench much better than normal. Then you simply crap while doing this and things come out much much much easier than they normally do. It basically gives you intestines something to press against so they can increase pressure.

Welcome to /ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>1004276

Defecation is the final step in the whole process started by food and cooking.

Well, coffee obviously. Tea even. And alcohol and such do work as digestive which is basically the same thing if you do not go shy with it, I suppose.

Anyhow, why natural laxatives at all? Just buy the real stuff. Great for dieting as long as you remember to keep yourself hydrated properly. Just od within reason and basically everything goes right through you and no calories sink in. Beats throwing up by larger margin. As long as you do not get intestinal paralysis and die of painful horrible stomach ache, that is. Great stuff. The best there is.

Slim Tea, you can get it in Asian food stores.

>>1004297
Yeah I get the shits after an insane amount of Busch so give that a try

>>1004137
You should have posted in /fit/ instead.

Drink a bottle of cough medicine. You get a fabulous diarrhea because of the sorbitol and the dextromethorphan in it gives you a wonderful trip.

This is one of the funniest threads ive seen on ck ever

protip: drink a 1/2 cup of food grade mineral oil. you will have an amazing release.

>>1004150
If you're still super stopped up, get some Camel Snus or something. It's a pouch of dip. It may make you puke if you keep it in too long, but it'll hit the system right quick.

>>1004314
Seriously though, laxatives for dieting will mess your system up. Eating in moderation, tight belt and exercise does the trick far better.

Try CHEWING your food instead of swallowing it whole?

Reach inside your butthole with your fingers while pushing it out hard and break it apart. I've done this many times. even when it wasnt hard to push out in the first place :3

Well, I know they're probably gone, but for me, vinegar does it. Try drinking pickle juice, around a cup of it.

OP here.
You guise are amazing.
No result as of yet. Woke up and ate a shitload of prunes that my mum had stashed. She was laughing at me the whole time. Bitch.
Getting some really bad gas but nothing yet.
As soon as its out and my ass is intact, I'll report back to you guise.
You are all internet heroes.

this stuff works really well .. may take a few hours though, but it wont tear-up your stomach .. safe to take daily

http://www.planetaryherbals.com/products/GP1553/

Coffee and cigarette typically works for me. im talking like a double shot of espresso and take it as an actual shot, on an empty stomach. Best thing is to watch your diet so this doesnt happen in the first place but you already are realizing that I suppose.

Drink a bottle of Apple Juice. Like a full 1.5Liter

>>1005122
the effect of coffee becomes less potent if you are a heavy user of coffee

Eat a bucket of ice cream, always works for me. Or some really oily (use canola, not animal fat) stir fried stuff

>>1004297
How likely is this painful death? Whats ODing within reason and how do i keep properly hydrated??

Also is it horrible taking a laxative? Its always depicted that way on TV

>>1005176
Laxatives aren't that bad as they are on tv. Especially if you take them in correct doses.

i've heard senna tea is used as a laxative.

try making fruit smoothies (losts of berries preferably) that used to get me pooing all the time but i have one almost everyday so its lost its effect. hopefully it will help you

millions of dried apricots

>>1004137
Use one of these.
Then, if you survive, go defend an abortion clinic with your new found empathy.

>>1005176
I was just joking back there. Besides there are several type of medical laxatives that work in different ways. There is no need to use any of those unless you have a real condition. And do not believe of what you see in hollywood films.

Go pay /x/ a visit and you'll be shitting bricks.

If you have an aloe plant, the juice is a pretty good laxative.

castor oil

This thread? Still?

If you still can't shit at this point seek medical attention.

OP here.
How the fuck is this thread still alive?!
Just letting you all know, I finally did it.
In the worst fucking way imaginable.
A glove.
Lube.
Scooping motions.
You get the picture, but I'll provide one anyway.
Let this be a lesson to you all. Love and look after your bowels so you will never have to go through this.
My body is numb. I couldnt even feel relief when it was over. Only shame.

Never again /ck/ never again.

You wouldn't have this problem if you stopped eating nothing but meat and drinking your liquids.

I love this thread.

>>1006098
Stop drinking liquids? Got it.

>>1006077

I'm a girl. Almost every shit is like this for me. :(
Why don't guys get constipated more often?

>>1006162
OP here. I'm a cumdumpster.

>>1006175
...and you enjoy plenty of anal sex, right?

>>1006162

You. Are an idiot.

>>1006179
If anything, this experience has put me off it for life.

>>1006077

Constipation is now a meme!
winrar this shit! (lol)

Does this thread make anyone else want to take a poop?

>>1006077

Grease up your ass and let it fly.

>>1006077
HOLY FUCK

I HAVE A SEMI-BONER RIGHT NOW

>>1004214
I'm seriously installing a handle on the wall near the toilet because of this post. Thank you so much.

>THIS THREAD

i never thought i'd see a truly epic thread on /ck/

Archive it, faggots http://4chanarchive.org/

I actually laughed so hard at this thread that I cried and almost keeled over light headed.

>>1004241
if you don't mind using your fingers, you could try lubing your anus up with some, like, cooking oil I guess. they sell oil suppositories that basically do the same thing

>>1004145
>Lots of coffee and nicotine
>>1004150
>Not a smoker

Even better if you aren't a smoker. Get a pack of cigarettes and take just 2, maybe 3 puffs off of a cigarette (for medicinal purposes). You won't get addicted, your lungs won't shrivel up and turn black, you will get a nicotine buzz, and your bowels will get to working. I've known non-smokers who successfully used this technique with great success.

>>1006077

Two more requests and we're gold. Or brown.

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 4 times now.

Olive Oil, take 2 Tbls and call me in the morning... or in about 4 hours what ever works for you.

>>1006077
I've had to do that twice in my life. NEVER AGAIN!

Now I eat fiber foods and bananas like they are going out of style. 1-2 bananas for every meal will make you poop so clean you won't need to wipe!

>>1006319
That buzz + shitting will feel amazing.

Been smoking for a year and the first cigarette of the day always makes me shit like a dinosaur.

>>1006319

Great. Now the trolls are trying to gete people addicted to cigarettes. What next?

>>1006761

It works though, and just doing a little wont get you addicted

Reviving this back from the dead to horrify more people.

It's been over 36 hours. OP's shit must have come out by now, and another one behind it. I wish he'd update us.

coffee enema.

www. nexttonature.com/freesample/sample.html

Free LAX sample

OP you poop yet?

>>1007541
>>1007548

I love how we're actually awaiting a pooping update from some faceless anon.

AND THEY SAID WE DIDN'T CARE. THEY WERE WRONG, /ck/ IS OBVIOUSLY FULL OF LOVE or maybe just really creepy voyeuristic tendencies.

>>1007552
My lizard just died today from eating a cricket too big and blocking his intestines so he couldn't poop... so I'm genuinely concernacus. Last thing I need to know today is someone else died of an obstruction.

Just drink moar water, or "Té de Boldo" or green tea, that's it, flax helps too, I shit arount 3 or 4 times

>>1007554

Sounds to me like it would be of vital importance. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BE MOTIVATED TO KEEP YOUR BOWELS SQUEEKY CLEAN WITHOUT THE CONSTANT THREAT OF DEATH LOOMING IN THE BACKGROUND!?

>>1007560
Ummm chew thoroughly and get plenty of fiber from fruits vegetables and whole grains.

OP here. Of course I pooped.
What the hell was this
>>1006077
post about then?
I advise you all never to poop manually. It fucking sucks.
I want to never take another shit again as long as I live.
Thanks all of you for the advice and halerious replies.
>>1007552
I love you /ck/
I truly do.

>>1007567
Err glad to hear you are okay OP. Eat plenty of fiber. Cut back on meats/cheeses and you should never have to do that ever again. Also if it was that bad you might want to look into a colon cleanse.

god i hope op is a troll
if not, look into doing a lemon/maple syrup cleanse(never honey)

>>1007579
>colon cleanse

Complete bullshit. But the rest of the post is correct. Eat more fiber and less non-fibrous foods, OP. Your "manual poop" was a cakewalk compared to the colon cancer you could get in the future if you don't change your dietary ways.

>>1007604
I was suggesting a colon cleanse if he was still having issues... if not that then an enema. But I can see how you probably assumed I believed in the anti-cancer hippy bullshit about a colon cleanse.

>>1007567
i should have recommended it before but a great way to cleanse out your colon is with epsom salts

mix a teaspoon with hot water and drink a cup ever two hours. shit tastes awful but it really works and your colon gets cleaned out beautifully.

drink lemon juice to make it stop working

>>1006077

happens a lot when you don't drink. I had thoose shits usually your ass expands and you shit it along with some blood.

>>1008133
too much epsom salt can cause magnesium toxicity resulting in DEATH.

Shame OP went for the scoop method, he was so close to a naturally occuring goatse.

Thanks for the laughs though, I've been wiping the tears away for 5 minutes and keep having reoccuring bouts of hysterical laughter.

/fit/ was here

OATZ

/a/ was here

OATZ

/x/ was here, ARCHIVE!

brew strawberry leaves like tea.

This was...quite the thread.

eat a lot of raisins or grapes

/ck/ - full service food forum. From cultivation of food, all the way to expelling it in fecal format.

>>1009005
And then using that as fertilizer. The full circle of life.

glycerin suppositories


god help you anon.

One time I had a massive bowel blockage and was sitting there for like 5 minutes, panicked, trying to get it out. Eventually I took a spoon and dug chunks of the shit out, which helped and finally got it out after an agonizing shit.

Hurt to sit down, that day.

>>1009036
Thinking about myself dying trying to shit didn't help either.

>>1009038
>Dying on the toilet

Why has this thread lasted so long? Have you shat yet? >>1009010
This is all you need.

>>1004137
Best laxative in the world is about a pint of room temperature salty water. Chug as much as you can without gagging.

The results are violent but it works.

>>1009042
He completed his task
>>1009041
THIS YOU CAN'T POOP IF YOU THINK YOUR GONNA DIE!