4chanarchive

Q: Who thinks this thread is fail?
A: Everyone. Kill yourself niggercock

i lol'd

i also entered into a series of lulz which ensued for a mere 2 seconds.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

*Knock Knock*
"Whos there?"
"This is the police, we have a warrant for you're arrest."

What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The holocaust.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and asks him, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I have AIDS."

>>31506109
i lol'd

A Black man, a mexican and a russian walk into a bar. What a great example of a united society.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Micheal Jackson molests little boys.

>>31505508
The Goonies
Great movie of the 80s or Greatest movie of the 80s?

>>31506376
This one got me

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing

how many members of a minority does it take to change a lightbulb?

10; 1 to change the lightbulb and 9 to act in a way negativley associated with said minority.

>>31506206
Win

Q: What do you call a Mexican flying a plane?
A: A pilot.

This is more 'black' humor than anti-humor.

Your fortune: Reply hazy, try again

IT MADE ME WANT TO POO.

Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Why did the sheep dog count 40 sheep when there were only 38
..
..
..
Give up?
He rounded them up.

Abraham Lincoln and a sailor walk into a bar. They talk about how their respective lives have been, when suddenly, John Wilkes Booth shoots Lincoln in the head.

A seal walks into a club. However, the particular club he entered had a no animals policy and he was turned away.

>>31506109


I fucking lold

>>31506206
I don't get it, this holocaust you speak of is a fable, a myth.

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John and a Sabertoothed Tiger?
-I dont know, but you better keep it away from your ass!

It was you raff you ruse and you all didn't even know it!

>>31505918
i LOL'd

I lol'd Harder than I ever should have...

fap.fm

Two porn stars, a man and a woman, are going at it during a shoot. They're doing it doggy style, and the director keeps urging them to do it faster, since they're in sort of a homestretch two-shot. So they're really going at it, and the woman kind of looks over her shoulder at the man and says, "Ooh, you feel so good inside me!" And the man thinks to himself, I choose to believe you.

A boy owned a dog that was uncommonly shaggy. Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When the boy learned that there are contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. The boy entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the boy's dog: "He's not so shaggy."

What did the aborted baby say to it's mother?

Nothing. Dead babies can't speak, and even if they could it takes at least a year or so for babies to learn how and because this particular baby was aborted and you can only be aborted if you're younger than about four months it wouldn't have had the time.

Two light bulbs are lying in their cardboard sleeve on a shelf somewhere. The first light bulb is a real nervous type. He's been going on and on. "What if I don't light up? Seriously, what if I don't? I will just fucking die! God, I'm freaking out. And thanks to our fucking packaging, we don't know whether we're in a store or a warehouse, or if we're sitting under someone's kitchen sink moments away from being screwed in and turned on. What if there's something wrong with my filament? I mean, it feels OK to me, but there's not really any way of knowing for sure until I get hit with some current. Sure, I passed the factory test and lit up just fine, but what if ..." The second light bulb has had enough. "Will you shut the fuck up! Just shut up!" There is a long awkward silence. Then the first light bulb says, "Well, what else are we supposed to talk about?"

Knock Knock.

No solicitors.

...

A group of young male lions are lying on a hilltop in the shade of a lone tree. It is a scorching hot day on the savanna, and from far off in the distance a bigger, older male lion comes trotting toward them. As he gets closer, the younger lions can see that he's a mess: his mane is full of burs, he's covered with dirt, there's scratches on his face, and he's panting so much his tongue is practically dragging on the ground. He lies down in the shade next to the other lions, and the younger, smaller lions notice that there's blood around his mouth. He licks his chops, and then says, "One fucking rabbit. Two days hunting, and that's it. And a scrawny, sickly old rabbit at that. I tell you guys, this endless hunt for meat can be a real pain in the ass." The other lions don't say anything; one shifts uncomfortably, one scratches himself, and another just closes his eyes. The old lion notices the silence and looks over at the others. He sees the skin hanging on their ribs and their jutting hip bones. He bites his lower lip and turns away. He looks off in the distance and says, "Ah, what are you gonna do?"

>>31507374
>>31507117
>>31507128
>>31507167
>>31507180
hahahahahahaha

>>31507167
uh... you can't abort a baby after its born.

its up to 4 months after fertilization. not four months after birth.

because that would be weird.

A man walks into a bar. He then meets some friends and has a rather enjoyable night.

A salesman is sitting in the reception area of a big corporation, waiting to give a presentation to some of the people there. He is kept waiting almost 40 minutes beyond the time of his appointment, and then he's finally ushered into a conference room. He goes in, and sitting around a big table are two Jews, an African-American woman, and a gay guy of Chinese descent. The salesman goes into his pitch, for software or a phone system or something, and it's pretty evident a couple minutes into it that these four people couldn't care less, especially the younger Jew, who keeps checking his BlackBerry. But he plows through the presentation anyway, and when he finishes, everybody shakes his hand and thanks him. He goes out to his car and starts to drive home. On the road, his cell phone rings and he answers it. It's his wife, and she asks him to pick up a couple of groceries on his way home. He says OK. She says, are you OK? And he says, yeah, I'm fine. She says OK. He hangs up, and this commercial for anti-itch powder comes on the radio, and it's got all these country-sounding old people giving testimonials about how this powder completely improved the quality of their lives. And the salesman starts crying. Big choked sobs. He shades his eyes with his left hand so that the other drivers can't see that he's crying and says, "And I don't even fucking care about this shit!"

How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?

By giving her a timeout.

Two elks are sitting in a tree and talking about the weather, then a beaver comes flying and lands in another tree.
One of the elks says to the other:
"I think he lives there."

fap.fm

>>31508138
wow, i lol'd

Ashton Kutcher.

>>31506450

speaking of the goonies did anyone watch tom green about a month ago when corey feldman was on

i called in and asked him to take my cock in his throat and out his asshole ;(

fap.fm

>>31506450
Why limit it to just the 80s?

A man is walking alone on the beach when he trips, and stumbles accross an old rusty lamp.

Curious, he picks it up and begins to wipe the sand away.

He cuts himself on the lamp, giving himself a nasty infection, but after a series of shots he is fine now.

win

My dog's got no nose.
It was cut off by a gang of drunk teenagers in a public park, leading to three successful prosecutions for animal cruelty.

>>31508138
i didnt understand

why couldnt Hellen Keller drive?

because she was blind,deaf and dumb.

Why was there lipstick on the blonde's steering wheel?

She braked really hard because some fucking cat ran in the road and kind of busted her mouth on it.

A woman becomes pregnant. 9 months later she has a baby.

lol wut?

Why did the nigger cross the road?

to file a complaint with the FCC for the use of the word 'nigger'.

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There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
While wiping his chin,
He said with a grin,
"If my ear were a cunt, I could not hear very well."

Yo momma is so fat, she developed a serious case of diabetes and had her foot removed.

A farmer, waiting on the side of the road with several sacks is approached by a boy.
The kid asks, "Hey, what do you have in those bags?"
The farmer replies, "Oats."

That's it.


nothing else to the joke.

Yeah seriously

>>31510633
oh god i lold

>>31510771
fucking funny as shit

ask me if i'm a tree.

...are you a tree?

no.

>>31510771
Yo mamma's so dumb she had to take remedial classes all through school.

person 1: I heard your mom died.
person 1: No.

A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me? "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't get your telegram."
"No, she got it" replies the man. They both remain silent for the rest of the session, after which the psychiatrist proceeds to charge the man $60 for it.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
The pizza you ordered
hold on while I get your money.

hey, whats the link to the 4chan archive.

We should totally archive this shit.

What do you call it when 2 blacks, 3 mexicans, and a jew escape from prison?

A jailbreak.

LOLOL EPIC

>>31509524

Because she was a woman obviously

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www.4chan.org

#fortune

if this doesnt work anonymous lied to me

>>31511119

Yo' Mama's so fat the doctors put her on Enalapril for her blood pressure.

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Client: That stopped being funny six years ago.

>>31506206

where the hell did you hear that?

1. http://4chanarchive.org/
2. click "request interface"
3. type 31505508 into the box
5. once enough people do it, you might find it again on above mentioned website latest after 48 hours
6. ???
7. Profit!!

Now copypaste the text below and post it in the thread to get others to request this to be archived:
1. http://4chanarchive.org/
2. click "request interface"
3. type 31505508 into the box
5. once enough people do it, you might find it again on above mentioned website latest after 48 hours
6. ???
7. Profit!!

>>31511638

Your Mama's so ugly, she never got remarried after your dad died, and she only had her dozen pet cats for company when she died.

Three men of differing ethnicities enter a bar. Two act in the usual manner and one brings shame to his countrymen by doing something dumb.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

Knock Knock...
"FUCK OFF, NO GYPSIES"

A German, an Irishman, and a Japanese walk into a bar.

The German orders a Heiniken, the Irishman a Guinness and the Japanese a sake. They all toast their good health and enjoy their drinks.

>>31512013
what would those jokes become if it was the first guy that'd act dumb ?

So there is a man and he likes riding on a bike. So he wants to have a drink so he hops on his bike and heads for the bar. Then the bartender says "sorry, no bikes inside the bar"

Another one;

There was once a dog that was trying to jump on the couch. Unfortunately, he was too small. Then he grew up and still couldn't jump on the coach. He died yesterday.

>>31511964

Your mother smells so bad that people make comments about it behind her back, and one person mailed her some soap.

>>31512401
you're wrong. The german ordered Heineken, which is beer. So is Guiness. Why would the Japanese order rice alcochol, when he could have ordered a Sapporo, an Asahi or a Kirin, which are beer too ?

What do you call a black man eating watermelon?

Jim. His name's Jim.

>>31512612

Because the Japanese doesn't like beer, obviously.

you know what's funny ? i don't know any of the original jokes you guys are changing to make them normal stories, so it dosen't make me laugh at all.

>>31512411
three men walk into a bar. the first acts in a most indecent manner, making a fool of himself. the other two watch him and say, "dude, what the fuck?"

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
John to George: "What? I don't have a wife.. Wait a minute... where am I? What is this place?... Who are you!?"
George: "John, man, you OK?"
A few weeks later, both George and John find out they have herpes.

>>31512768
you've never been to Japan, obviously

how many 5 year girls does it take to jack me off?

>>31512917
A weeaboo posted on /b/. That's the anti-joke.

>>31513003
i dint laugh. is it win ? i'm confused

>>31512923
Technically, 1.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So, he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the Pledge of Allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

What is the best suited present for a dead child?
Dead puppy!

So, Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So, Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But, he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But, he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral of this story: Don't stand up in a boat.

An Italian, a German, and a Japanese all get office jobs in the same building.

THe boss tells the Italian to man the phone, the German to do the books, and he puts the Japanese in charge of supplies.

A few hours later he comes to check on everyone, only to find the office is completely out of paperclips, pencils, and paper. Curious, he goes to find the Japanese, who tells the manager he couldn't find the supply closet.

THe manager shows him where it is, and everyone has a productive day.

Q: What do all (insert social grouping here) have in common?
A: They are all inferior in some way and as such deserve to suffer!

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Put off by such rude behavior, he grabs his flamethrower and proceeds to setting the asylum on fire. 14 people died, 8 were injured. Back to you Tom.

Why'd the airplane crash?


Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

Why did the Italian learn Norwegian?

Because he liked black metal.

>>31513248
>>31513303
>>31513347
>>31513386
i fukken lol'd

An Italian, a German, and a Pollock all work construction. THey are sitting on a girder 15 stories up, when the whistle sounds for lunch. They all open their lunchboxes to find that their wives had made them the exact same lunch that they always made them, 73 days in a row.

"If I get one more Salami Sandwich" I am jumping off this girder, says the Italian.

"If I get one more Bratwurst, I am jumping off this girder", says the German

If I get one more Pieroghi, I am jumping off this girder, said the Pollock.

They all go home to their wives, and explain they would like some variety in their lunch. THe next day they get something different, and everybody lives happily ever after.

The End.

>>31513991
Why didn't they just switch meals with each other?

>>31514098
They're racist.

>>31514158
Oh, OK.

>>31514098
c'mon think about it, Italians are dumb, Pollocks are even worse, and the German was just being an asshole.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

"No no no no! you misunderstood me. I'm bringing this beer to my wife!" explains Bob.

- I say, I say I say, my dog has no nose.

- I don't believe you have a dog, enjoy your ancient joke setup.

Now copypaste the text below and post it in the thread to get others to request this to be archived:
1. http://4chanarchive.org/
2. click "request interface"
3. type 31505508 into the box
5. once enough people do it, you might find it again on above mentioned website latest after 48 hours
6. ???
7. Profit!!

>>31507128

this made me feel unreasonably sad.

fap.fm

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?

See you tomorrow!

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." to which the first man responds: "IM GOING TO YIFF YOU!"

>>31513386
>>31513347
>>31513303

EPIC

Did you know hellen keller had a tree house?

....neither did she.

Why'd the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

why did the chicken cross the road?
to show the opposum it could be done.

OMG Helen Keller jokes, haven't seen them since LSD Amiga demos

>>31514960
TELETEXT

THE ONE-WAY INTERNET OF THE LATE 70s

>>31515297

Digitiser: The only good thing on teletext ever!

>>31515428
shame that Biffo is about as funny as a dry turd these days

>>31515531
Yeah, it all went downhill after digi.

>>31515531
Read Mr. Hairs' (aka Tim Moore) travel books. They are funny (okay, the EuroVision one sucked, but the rest are good).

A baby seal walks into a club.

He died a slow and painful death.

How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to change the bulb, and the other to hold the ladder. Safety first!

What's worse than a dead baby?
More than one dead baby.

What did the gay cowboy say to his horse when it wouldn't walk fast enough?
"Giddyup!"

fap.fm

Where do ice cream sellers go when they die?
In a coffin which is then buried in the ground, or possibly cremated.

How many elephants can you fit in a Mini?

None, it's far too small for an elephant.

Michael J. Fox killed his first newborn baby upon holding him on his lap. Because of Parkinsons.

Q: what do you call a black man with a masters degree, a six-figure job and a nice house?

A: nigger

omfg this thread is epic

what do you call a nigger with a phD?

a doctor

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?

Because it was dead.

What do you call something that has 3 legs, no head, 6 tails, and can fly?

No idea.

>>31506765
OH HAY THERE BILL BAILEY

Why did the blind man buy a wristwatch?
To tell the time - it was a watch that spoke the time as well as displayed it.

Michael J. Fox took his Parkinson's medicine. Because of Parkinson's.

these people know style

Michael J Fox hands shake all the time because of parkinson

what do you get when you cross-breed a nigger with an octopus?
No idea, but it would be perfect for working on a plantation!

Some people just don't get what "antihumor" is...

Why did the blue parrot stay on its perch ?

because it had been nailed there

Everybody's favorite.

There has to be more of her somewhere.

This is the best thread I've seen on 4chan in a long time.

MOAR

Why did they bury the fireman behind the hill?

Because he was dead!

One time chuck norris went to EB games to buy madden 07, but they didn't have it, so he went to best buy and bought it there

chuck norris sleeps in a cave with 100 niggers

So a man goes to the doctor complaining of severe headaches. The doctor takes the man's arm and squeezes it gently. He says "Does that hurt?" the man replies, "Yes".

The doctor then proceeded to do a few more tests and discovered that the man has terminal brain cancer.

chuck norris once had sex with a bowl of half cooked hamburger meat

chuck norris was leaving to go to work, when his wife said "hold on!" and kissed him. He smiled and said "i love you"

A nigger walks into a bicycle store.

He purchases a bike and rides back to his house.

>>31518919

win

chuck norris hates new york night life

Any teenager who studied Greek mythology in high school was probably intrigued by the stories of how many of the immortals came to be. It seems that Zeus commonly employed a method of asexual procreation wherein progeny actually sprang forth alive from his forehead. I always supposed that this was the source of the term, "Brainchild" and also quite possibly the reason so many parents seem to be "browbeaten."

Apparently inspired by Zeus'story, the French philosopher Rene Descartes used it as the basis for his famous equation as he re-invented himself with the phrase, "I think, therefore, I am." Legend has it that he was really just trying to impress the local prostitutes by putting Descartes before the whores.

But I digress. Many generations later one of Zeus' distant relations gave birth in a similar fashion when Dr. Zeus conceived the character "Sam Iam." It wasn't long before it degenerated into "Son of Sam Iam." and the family soon went to the dogs. This is why today we see one of the most popular brands of dog food is named in his honor. Iam's.

Of course when Homer originally told this story it was in verse. That is not to say "backwards" but that the story was sung. Homer took a vote among the members of his audience to ask what meter they thought he should use. The results of his poll were "I think they're for Iambic."

Because Homer was blind and never put any of his own stories on paper, the scribes, in an apparent effort to conserve their valuable quills, dropped the "bic." This is why the phrase has been passed down to us as an ink complete translation.

How many jews can you fit into a minivan?

Six can travel comfortably, although eight could fit if necessary.

There is a monastery near Aspen, Colorado, called Snowmass. All the monks have taken a vow of silence. They rarely speak. Each day begins with morning worship. The service starts when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good morning."

The monks chant in reply, "Good morning."

They say not another word until evening vespers, when the head abbot comes in and chants, "Good evening."

The monks all reply in unison, "Good evening." Not another word is spoken until the next morning.

Several years ago one of the monks decided he had to break up the boredom of this routine. The next morning when the head abbot chanted, "Good morning," all the other monks responded, "Good morning", except the one bored monk who, hiding his identity from the other monks, chanted, "Good evening."

Quickly, the head abbot sang in reply: "Some-one chanted evening. He must be a stranger."

What's funnier than a pile of dead babies?

Just about anything. Infantile death is a tragedy.

why was six afraid of seven?

because seven was a nigger

best thread eva

>>31519612

ITT mostly idiots who don't know what antihumor is

>>31519916

Please, enlighten us.

Your fortune: You will meet a dark handsome stranger

>>31510633
I just about died

Your fortune: Excellent Luck

>>31505918

Q: What do you do with morons who doesn't know the difference between your and you're?

A: Teach them proper grammar.

>>31519958
Antihumor = non-jokes, where the "punchline" is nonsensical, a non-sequitur, or a completely expected answer, and devoid of the wordplay, imagery, shock value or whatever else makes a conventional punchline funny. The humor comes from playing off the reader's expectations of jokes, and the fact that the "joke" is not inherently funny in itself is funny.

>>31512187
>>31512187
>>31512187
>>31512187

This is my favorite one.

>>31520206
>morons who doesn't

>>31520488

You mean like

Q: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
A: Because Paris Hilton is a symbol for everything that is wrong in this world.

Yeah, hilarious.

>>31520206
>Q: What do you do with morons that DON'T know the difference between your and you're?

fixed

Your fortune: Godly Luck

>>31520575
I lol'd

Q: What do you get when you breed a nigger with an octopus?
A: Nothing, mammals and cephalopods can't mate.

>>31520632

Did you ever think that was part of the joke, dipshits?

A klansman, a nigger and a rabbi walk into a bar.

They have an argument because of their differing points of view.

Your fortune: Outlook good

>>31520575

Q: W00t is da grammer fo anyways?
A: What? What are you trying to say?

Your fortune: Average Luck

>>31520834

Yes... part of the joke... that must be it...

>>31520611
That's not bad, but not brilliant either, because the punchline has nothing to do with the setup. Besides, the vanilla "to get to the other side" punchline was already anti-humor to begin with (though no longer funny due to its age, repetition and ingrained nature - it's often the first joke we learn as children). Newer variants of the chicken joke play with our expectations again, because we expect the old "to get to the other side" punchline, but are given something else entirely.

What did Cho do when the rich kids would not stop their debaucheries?
he shot a bunch of them

A Korean walks into a presitigious Virginia college...oh, I love this one

Q: What did the submarine tell the whale?
A: Nothing. Submarines can't say a thing.

Antihumor is fucking lasting, eh.
3 damn hours.

Two goths from Colorado were tired of being picked on at school. They stopped wearing trench coats, put on some normal clothes and became good students and productive members of society.

They graduated, went to college, and were murdered by a very disgruntled Korean in a school shooting.

Buzz Aldrin an Neil Armstrong are sitting in a bar, having a drink. Suddenly a man walks up to Neil and says "Are you Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon?". Neil says yes. The man says "Cool", and walks off.
Buzz looks after the guy and asks "Why do they never talk to me?"
Neil smiles and says "well, you are the second guy to walk on the moon, am i right?"
Buzz replies "Yes."
Neil says "That's not nearly as cool as being the first"

A man is walking down the road when he finds an old lamp. He promptly rubs it, and out of a cloud of billowing smoke comes a genie.

He decides that the LSD he just took was the best ever, and then went and bought six more tabs.

>>31522246

Should have ended by saying "He took too much and died curled in the corner of an alley in a pool of his own sweat, blood, and urine after an intense trip that shattered his mind."

>>31522377

Who the fuck are you? Nancy Reagan?

>>31522519
>>31522377
>>31522246
i love you guys :) <3

Q: What do you get when a white jew has sex with a nigger?
A: No one knows...

>>31522605
danny?

>>31522915
renee?

posting in an epic thread

This is the best thread in the history of /b/

>>31522929
Chief?

>>31523928
McCloud?

>>31509714
that is SOOO original

Your momma's so fat that I hope she becomes more comfortable with her body some day.

What do you call a jew with a shovel?

Sir.

What do you say to a jew with an oven?

Grandma, could you bake me some cookies?

>>31517996

m m m moar

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http://rapidshare.com/files/40300602/Rapidshare_Auto_Downloader.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/40300600/Kaspersky_Antivirus_v7.0.0.125.rar
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>>31524054

Your Mama's so dumb she only gok 740 on her SATs

fuckin' epic

>>31524536
yo mommas so fat that she has trouble getting into small sized clothes

this thread is slowly getting worse

Your mother is quite dashing.

>>31524882
>>31524882
>>31524882
>>31524882
>>31524882
>>31524882
WIN

>>31524536

Your Mama's so poor she had to apply for government assistance.

what i find most amazing is the temporary, intangible nature of /b/

>>31524882
I lol'd

Your mama used to be your daddy.

A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray. He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb. He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminuitive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.

Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship. His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process. The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed. As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.

"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe. Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: you can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.

>>31525494
good effort, but that was shit

Sitting Bull had three wives who were always quarreling about who among them should be Number One. One was pretty, one was clever, and one was very strong. Finally, tired of their squabbles, he tells his medicine man to resolve the issue. The medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered pelts and hides from all over the world. He told each wife to choose a hide and sit on it in front of the sacred campfire. The clever wife chose a pelt of thick white fur, the strong wife chose a hide of orange and black stripes, and the pretty wife chose a hide of rubbery grey leather.

The medicine man then pointed to the pretty wife and said, "Behold, O Chief, your Number One wife." The chief was pleased, but the other two wives demanded an explanation. The medicine man said, "Even the ancient ones knew that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."

Q: What did the intern say to the president after giving him a blowjob?
A: Nothing about not cleaning that cumstained dress, thats for sure!

>>31525812

Fail for being an actual joke. Still funny, though

>>31525812

Wow.. that reminds me of something i just heard... Did you know president Clinton had... Oh, wait...

Q:Why Did the man have sex with a blowup doll?
A:Because he had bad luck with women and was tired of fapping.

Q: Why did the /b/-thread die?
A: Because no one was posting in it.

Why did the sailor cross the road?
Because of AAHHHHHHHHHH

>>31525494
WIN

How many moths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Moths can't do that.

>>31513248
>>31513303
>>31513347
>>31513386
megawin

>>31528127

Why can't you do demotivators like the templates?

Q: What did the porn star say when his cock became limp?
A: let me get some viagra

There once was a man who considered himself quite the clever wit, so much so that he called himself "The Greatest Wit of Mankind". One day The Greatest Wit of Mankind went to a standup comedy show, and sat quite near the front. As it happened, the compere picked on The Greatest Wit of Mankind for some improvised pisstakery. "You sir", the compere said, "Are you the front end of an ass?". "No," replied The Wit. "Are you the back end of an ass?" the compere continued. "No," replied The Wit again. "Then you must be no end of an ass!" finished the compere. The audience roared with laughter, and for once The Greatest Wit of Mankind was struck dumb for a witty response. Naturally, he was furious and embarrassed, and sat through the rest of the show in a fuming silence.

The next day, he couldn't get the humiliation at the comedy show out of his mind, so he resolved to go back there that night and prove the sharpness of his wit.

So that evening, The Greatest Wit of Mankind sat himself at the front row at the comedy show, and waited for the compere to pick on him. Sure enough, the compere did precisely that. "You sir, are you the front end of an ass?" he asked The Greatest Wit of Mankind. With a slight smile tugging at his mouth, knowing the barbs of the compere were nothing more than pre-rehearsed routine he repeated night after night, The Greatest Wit of Mankind responded: "No." "Are you the back end of an ass?" the compere continued. The Greatest Wit of Mankind restrained his smug grin with all his might; he knew this man was no wit, no clever master of words, and he could destroy him. Make him pay for the humiliation he'd suffered twenty-four hours before. "No," replied The Wit. "Then you must be no end of an ass!" the compere finished. The Greatest Wit of Mankind stood up ready to deliver his crushing putdown, the sharpest, most barbed comeback in all his repetoire, a response that would have the audience rolling on the floor and put the fear of ever going back onto the stage into the heart of the compere. The Greatest Wit of Mankind licked his lips and shouted: "GO FUCK YOURSELF".

>>31529320
>>31529332
i lol'd

OP here
one third of the posts in this thread were made by me

>>31530136
I wrote that

>>31530136
no you didn't, LIAR

2 blacks and 2 mexicans are in a car. Who's driving?

A police officer

>>31530340
ur doin it wrong

>>31530479
No, wait, I get it - they're all police officers!

There are two engineering students walking through their university campus. They are talking about pendulums when one looks at the other and asks "Where did you get those clothes?". The second stops and tells the first "Oh, it's a funny story. I was walking along yesterday and a woman came up to me. She asked me how to get to the cafeteria, so I told her. She was really pretty too. I wonder if I'll see her again." The first thinks for a moment and replies, "That didn't answer my question."

Why did the chiken cross the basketball court?
He heard the ref was blowing Fouls.

-What did the girl say after ordering a slice of pie for dessert?

-I like pie.

A blind rabbi walks into a bar.
He says "Ow, that hurt."