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ARRRRR MY DICK FEELS LIKE CORN

This is win, the story is way better then the returned phone calls

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"i cant find the hole"

Fuck her if she can't take a compliment, op.

Femanon here.

"Is it in yet?"

It was my first time and my boyfriend had just put it in and asked if it hurt. I really didn't feel it go in. He was upset.

>>371610
That's funny! The first time I had sex, I was laying down and my girlfriend climbed on top and started grinding away. She asked me how I liked it and I said ...

"Did it even go in?"

" i thought they were bigger"

That was it?

'booooyah!'

her: "FUCK ME, FUCK ME"
me: "uh..i am fucking you.."

duh..

A girl I had been seeing for 2 months or so. "What would your mom do to me if she caught us like this." During. Not a good use of words on my part, she took it the wrong way and kicked me out of the bed.

This one happened to my cousin. He was completely obsessed with that cartoon Avatar. For those that don't know, they have some huge flying animal or something and when they mount it they say "yip yip". While he was doing his gf who also watched that cartoon, he thought it would be funny to make those "yip yip" sounds. She took it as in insult, thought he meant she was fat (which she was). I think she broke up with him shortly after he told me that.

I once seriously accidentally called my girlfriend my ex-gf's name, prior to sex. As in I was rubbing her cunt and I said "Wow X you're soaked"

her name wasn't x.

(she browses, so safety first :])

"oh shit...I lost the condom." (after i pulled out flaccid.)

She, in her most unnatural voice : "fuck me harder".
Me, i just laughed out loud, unable to control myself.

We never talked about it. kinda lame since i had been telling her she was not communicating enough during sex.

She said "Can I do anything for you?" during sex.

I said, "Can you stop talking?"

>>371546
So I came way before I wanted to (only about 10 minutes). This is as I'm pulling out:

Me: "Well that sucked..."
Her: "Wow... Fuck you. Get the fuck off of me."

She thought I meant that she was a bad fuck.. Whoops.

>>371679
shame on you, anon.

I once said "I love you" to a girl while having consensual sex in the missionary position.

Hah some of these are great, moar!

She was on top of me, sliding across my dick, when I said, "I love it when you fuck me like a guy." She got pissed, punched me, then left.

>>371705
wtf ^^

god, women are so sensitive
and i am so ronery ;(

>>371705

LOL
Well that's gay.

not something i said, but once she queefed and i was like "whatever, it happens", but she felt so ashamed that she actually pooped a bit

>>371705
dis anon be gay

more sage plz

Not me but the girl. Irish-American little redhead decides she will be the one to break me in and take my virginity. From first kiss on the couch to trying to get my dick in her in the bedroom, she kept asking: "What are you thinking about?" every minute or so. I kept lying that it was her sparkly eyes or something.

Her own insecurity killed my mood. Do you have any idea how stressful and difficult it is to keep coming up with a creative new answer and IT'S YOUR FIRST FUCKING TIME.

Needless to say, I gave up penetration, settled with making out some more and never saw her again.

Epilogue: So very happy I lost my virginity to someone else months later who was so beautiful and awesome it made this firecrotch fall of the bottom end of the scale. I couldn't be more grateful for someone else's self-defeating insecurity.

Her: "Do you love me?"
Me: "...yes? ...do you love me?"
Her: "..."

We didn't go through with it, thank god.

Once this bitch pooped on my dick and i was like what the fuck bitch why did you do that and she told me i was a faget and showed a felix the cat doll up my ass. Married 20 years and i cheat on her every weekend.

some of these i've heard from friends:

gf: hey, im kinda embarrassed...
bf: alright, you wanna take a shower or something first?
gf: what? you saying i stink or something? jesus christ
bf: what? i thought a shower might relax you a bit, and most people go for showers before sex.
gf: oh, i see, so im too tense for you then, and i stink. well im not like most people, i dont want a shower. im fine.jesus christ. you really know how to whoo a woman
bf: well fine then. geez, all i asked a was a question to see how you were doing. is that so wrong during sex?
gf: oh so its all my fault then?
bf: ....
not sure if they fucked.

another one:
gf: hey...what do you want?
bf: hmm...what have you got babe?
gf: well...that depends if you've been a good boy or not.
bf: alright, if i've been a bad boy, do i get a spanking?
gf: yep
bf: if i've been a good boy, do i get something special?
gf: if you've been a good boy, i might be able to do something special for you, anything i guess...
bf: i've been a good boy.
gf: really? well then, i'll have to do something extra special for you...what do you want? deepthroat?
bf: not really, call your friend stephanie over.
gf: ... no, fuck you.
bf: aww come on! you said anything!

and i think they broke up not to soon after that

I once asked my girlfriend if she remembered to take her pill. Like right before she was climaxing.

There is no faster way to kill a woman's orgasm

>>371740

requesting name, pictures, videos, telephone number, current address

while eating a chick out, "tastes like chicken" she just laughed hystarically then we fucked.

her after sex "so how many other women have you fucked in the company?"
me riding the high of sex "3 or 4"
her "WHAT THE HELL"
me "o dont worry they were drunk they dont remember, our jobs are safe"

and im still employed mwuahaha

does farting count as something I said?

gf: hey...what do you want?
bf: hmm...what have you got babe?
gf: well...that depends if you've been a good boy or not.
bf: alright, if i've been a bad boy, do i get a spanking?
gf: yep
bf: if i've been a good boy, do i get something special?
gf: if you've been a good boy, i might be able to do something special for you, anything i guess...
bf: i've been a good boy.
gf: really? well then, i'll have to do something extra special for you...what do you want? deepthroat?
bf: not really, call your friend stephanie over.
gf: ... no, fuck you.
bf: aww come on! you said anything!

and i think they broke up not to soon after that


priceless

farted during 69....... never saw her again

My first time the girl rode me til she came quite a few times. One time she apparently came so hard she crapped a little on my balls. I didn't know until after when she got too tired and fell on the bed beside me from a break. (This was like after orgasm number 7 for her.) Being my first time I was too nervous to actually cum.

So I get up to go wash up, and look back at her and notice crap all over her ass... tell her she should go wash up (being subtle). She comes back out bawling, but after I wash up she's okay and she rolls over and looks at me and goes "So was it good for you?"

>>371790

been there, done that

>>371660

My friend is like this, he loves family guy, and there was a part when Peter 'got his groove' back in bed and yelled the same thing my friend did (lost his virginity that night): SHA-ZAAM!

They're still together.

such a good thread

more more more

after hitting her head on the ground:

"do you want to stop to put your helmet on?"

in bedroom.

i haven't a booner.

she looks it with strange face.

my words: "Hey, rise up and Walk,ok?"

>>371740

Wow, she then got passed on to me, and instead starting saying "what do you want?" constantly. bitch, stfu. name her.

"Talk about your old boyfriend's dick and how big it was"

>>371882
cindy?

bump for the epic thread

lol more

I was h alf asleep in bed with this chick, she started playing with my dick and it was about half limp. she was slidding it between her ass cheacks and then she pushed the head into her ass hole and gigle and whispered to me "its in my pooper" then I abruptly woke more up and my cock instantly grew and she screamed as it stretched her asshole, and she got mad at me..... what a slut

My mate b3ni who lurks these parts, his girlfriend let him fuck your pooper when she was on and made him call out the names of all the pokemon in order.

She's been shagging his mate so we don't talk to her anymore unless it's to call her a whore.

>>371790
chick was on top of me, and she put her hands on my stomach region for like balance...
she really shouldn't of squeezed there me...that was one helluva faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart...

I think the weirdest thing I've said was, while being done doggystyle, "Fuck me like a _dog_"

My first BF had a talent for saying turn-off things just when I was getting up there. I have trouble orgasming at the best of times (it's a control thing, i can't let go) and he'd say things like "wow, your face is really red!" when I was just on the edge.
And on one memorable time when I was on top (it's hard for me to move like that because my knees are bad) I was just getting into it and forgetting the pain and out he came with... "Your mother is right, you really could stand to loose some weight"

Great way to make me less selfconscious! Should have broken up with the asshole way sooner.

While eating her out:
Gimme a flashlight, I wanna see inside of you

Calling out the nickname of my ex. : /

Not really so much what I said, more what I did.

About to penetrate my gf, and I had to fart so I let one out. She dried up almost immediately. Being the courteous fellow I am, I lubed up and plowed her for a good 10 minutes or so before I got off.

I don't think she ever did.

I have said "You have the most beautiful asshole." to my gf. She really liked it. Responded as if I had said she was beautiful.

But to be fair, she loves me and your random whore apparently doesn't.

Not quite in the middle of sex. My boyfriend had a short spell where he couldn't stay hard. We were both drunk (probably a contributing factor to him going soft), and I have a quick temper when I'm drunk.
Anyway, I knew about some chick he banged before he knew me. He said he only had sex with her a few times, and all times they were both drunk.
I was mad about him going soft, got up and starting putting my clothes back on. He asked where I what I was doing, and I said, "You got it up for _____." and walked out of the room. We almost broke up over it. I'm such an asshole. :(

Not going to cite specific posts, but I don't get how people call out the name of the wrong person. How does this happen?!

>>372024

Indeed, that shit only happens in movies..

Pulled off her panties.

"Wow! You need to shave!"

I told her not to take off her bra for once.

For the rest of our relationship she kept saying I didn´t like her boobs and wouldn't show them to me. And it's not that I didn't like them, it's just that the idea of having sex whitout getting completely naked turns me on. She wouldn't understand it, though, so I dumped her three weeks later.

Pic related. It's her.

after blowing my load...

"ta da"

>>372042

I lol'd

being asked if you love her while shes on top of you..

my stupid ass sed yes

moar?

god damn this is an epic thread

when i'm in her: "hey what do you think about abortions?"

Told her I loved her, she didn't reply and she wouldn't kiss me when I was fucking her either.

We were not dating each other at the time.

LOL sayin i like you when they say i love you

more accounts from friends:

bf: man that was good...
gf: yeah...i love you
bf: love you too.
what are you thinking about?
gf: just thinking about you. why? what are you thinking about?
bf: sex.
gf: but we just had sex.
bf: i know, but im not thinking about us sex.
gf: then who?
bf: .... (time passes) do you want pancakes?
gf: no, you can sleep on the couch.

my friend chatted up and brought this girl back to his place. as its dark and he starts eating her out, he stops and yells: "what the FUCK is that?
she ups and leaves pretty much straight away.
im guessing what he was licking was NOT the clitoris, but something like genital herpes or something.

one time i said..can i cum on your face, and she looked at me hella funny

she was like no..you can cum in my mouth - __ -

Q: What's yellow/orange, full of bullshit and has 71 virgin males in it?

A: This thread!

GF queefed while I was eating her out, so I drew back and jokingly said, "That's it. I'm not going near that thing again, until it stops growling at me." That was the end of anything sexual for that night. She was a touch miffed.

>I was h alf asleep in bed with this chick, she started playing with my dick and it was about half limp. she was slidding it between her ass cheacks and then she pushed the head into her ass hole and gigle and whispered to me "its in my pooper" then I abruptly woke more up and my cock instantly grew and she screamed as it stretched her asshole, and she got mad at me..... what a slut

FAPFAPFAPFAPFAP

>>372078
That was some serious win, Anon.

"Boom-shaka-laka."

I was giving bf a blowjob. He kept saying "Suck that dick. Suck that dick." So I yelled "I AM". He went soft and just about cried.

Was fucking my gf in the ass, and said
clamp down
what?
like, squeeze it
huh?
like you're trying to hold back
not getting it
like, you're trying to hold back a fart or something
...
...
...
...
...
*squeeze*
OH GOD

i lol'ed (as in saying lol), she raffed.

Her: Fuck Me like we're in Highschool.

I stop and say, "What, poorly?"

Apparently this pissed her off. Really pissed her off. Enough that she punched me in the god damn snout.

One time me and my girlfriend were going at it. She was on time and asked me if I wanted her to switch to reverse cowgirl.

Well, during this one instant of not sex, a commercial on the T.V. (which we had been watching but became distracted) reminded me I need to get my mother a birthday present.

So less than a second after asking if I want her to turn around, I say "Oh shit, that reminds me I need to call my mom!"

The look on her face was priceless.

We've been dating for 2 years and she stills gives me shit about it.

>>372024

Muscle Memory.

i was doing a girl in the ass, and she was really wet. i thought she'd pissed herself.
i then asked her if she'd pissed herself. she wasn't too impressed.

>>372094

>OH GOD

Oh God like "OH FUCK WOW THATS AWESOME"

or

OH GOD YOU SHAT ON ME.

Guessing the latter, as the title of the thread implies...

true story

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 1 times now.

While getting head... I told a girl "Your mom would be so proud..."

In my defense, she was always telling me that she was un-shockable... Proved her wrong !

We're not together anymore...

>>372024
being a pot head with a shit memory...
ah, regret...

So i was fucking this girl when all of a sudden I felt things get very wet inside of her. Now i knew this was not orgasmic wetness but something else. And I had a feeling I knew exactly what it was.

I looked down and there is my dick covered in delicious period blood. Then I told her "Hey, your uterus broke on me, it smells like shit."

Needless to say she was extremely embarrassed and made a freak run to the bathroom. We never really talked about sex after that unfortunate event.

not during, but before we'd done anything, about half an hour beforehand her sister had been in her room asking what we thought of her new clubbing outfit (pvc stuff, conincidentally).
later, as we're getting started, i blurt out with "you know, i can see why everyone wants to fuck your sister"

she was quiet for about two hours before i realised what i'd done... lol

>>371752

What a fucking idiot.

>>372171
>>372171
>>372171

wut?

One time my gf was riding me and I don't know she was into some highschool sex kink thing or whatever because she looks down at me and says "Be my bad schoolboy" and I just fucking lost it and cracked up, I couldn't help myself

A lady was about to blow me. She said she was pretty good at it. I told her that her daughter said the same thing a couple of weeks ago. They were both actually pretty good, but not the best ever.

RECEIVE MY SEED

>>371660

If you don't mind, I'll be importing this to /co/

I haven't said anything especially stupid yet. My ex was always bitching at me to talk dirty, and I said something and she just gave me this really dirty look and shouted "NO." I don't remember what I said but I was just in the moment and I was trying to do what she wanted... made me feel pretty self conscious about it afterward.

One time though she wanted to have sex. So I'm eating her out and stuff and she starts queefing. A lot. Then she starts farting. A lot. On purpose because she thought it was hilarious. I got really turned off and she got really pissed at me. I guess I thought it was pretty normal for me not to be turned on by farting and queefing, but whatever.

So we're in bed, I'm getting a hand job, and my GF at the time says to me "So you wanna do something else?"

I say "What like Tennis?"

WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT FOR I COULD OF GOT A BLOW JOB!

FUCKING HELL.

This thread is pure win.

>>371679

I not only lol'd, I clapped my hands.

>>371767

this one too

I once did it while the tv was on and a commercial came
on that i knew the song to and i without thought started singing it..

>>371989
Hahaha

My girfriend once drooled on me while she was on top..
I laughed.

A couple of days ago, I was with a girl, and was all like
"What turns you on?"
"Guess," She said.
. . .
. . .
. . .
"Fuck no, that's boring, tell me."
And she did, and I did it, and she came. Damn it feels good to be an asshole sometimes.

"ten minutes? well its your fault, its been a week, and you enjoyed it too much -.-"
she was not impressed
its been a while now :(

>>372253
I did that when I was getting a blowjob, and she just got up and walked away.

Why did we do that?!?!?!

>>372136
You, sir, are the champion.

>>372232
HAHAHAHA!!!!

THATS GREAT!!!!!!

>>372078

Cry more, virgin.

>>372273
that has nothing to do with beeing an asshole. it's just short and precise, but also polite.

>>371546
Spanked her ass and said "you like that?" because I seent too many pornos.

She said yes but never talked to me again.

Ex was bouncing on top of me when her hip bone cracked.

'Woah, slow down grandma'

She was not impressed.

>>371660
>>371660
>>371660
I FUCKING LOL'D

ive never had sex but when i was getting a handjob I was like "this is starting to hurt a little" hoping she'd start sucking my dick.

she just tugged me differently. and it hurt more.

While going down on this girl in my truck i saw something on the floor that I didnt recognize.

Whats That?

needless to say she thought i was completely incompetent

>>372148

Oh god, I lol'd hard

He was fucking me from behind while the 40 year old virgin was on. I turned around and said "Oh, you're nailing me. Awesome!" He slapped me and went on with his business. So hawt...

"If you don't cry, I can't cum."

I once said "you're kind of loose" to a girl while fucking. She got pretty pissed but she didn't stop, so I guess she really wanted some sex. Took me like 20 minutes to come, it was like fucking a hola-hoop. Never returned her calls.

during doggy style sex i go "haha, did you fart?" i thought it was funny because farts are funny. turns out she didn't though and it just smelled because she hadn't taken a shower/bath since her dump in the morning and her asshole stench was wafting up. yeah, she decided a shower was a better idea than sex that night. dumb girl, i didn't give a fuck.

I was going at it with my ex, and she really liked dirty talk. She talked a lot during sex, yelling what she wants, etc etc. "FASTER! HARDER! HARDER! FUCK ME FUCK ME". Kind of hot in small doses, but she did it constantly, and really loudly too.

So she was giving me the reverse cowboy and started shouting "do you like that", and i replied "I'd like it more if you'd shut the fuck up!" She punched me in the balls.

"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."

Did I pay for that or just rub it on my face ?

"I love how your balls slap against my ass."

Said while I was getting done missionary. My fuck buddy thought it was so funny he started laughing and couldn't finish.

I love anal stimulation and it really did feel good how his balls were slapping my asshole. I didn't want him to stop. :(

>>372505

Did you fuck through it?

Dont Move!
was about to cum .. she moved ... best feelin ever postponing it but i didnt want to ... XD

>>372512

Bullshit, thats from Fight Club

"You know I can't date you, right?"

>>372610

But it's still a good line to whip out on occasion.

On of my faves is "I almost came this time" after it's rather obvious that I did.

Or, from Woody Allen: After she says 'that was great' you respond "I guess all of those years of practice by myself paid off!"

worst ever was during doggystyle sex, her shouting out 'fuck my cunt' at the top of her voice and me sayin ' my dick is in your pussy.. is this not classed as fucking your cunt?'

she lost all interest and got dressed.. that was the last time i ever fucked her!

She nicked named my penis "Zeus" since i was the first person to ever make her cum during sex...so when she came again, i said "Zeus strikes again"....we both just kinda stared for a moment...akward silence...then kept going.

>>372039
ty>>372610
pical. women, they're nuts..
>>372124
wtf! xD
>>372232
pwned
>>372365
rofl
>>372505
nice one, anon. nothing worse than a blabbering whore.
>>372610
doesn't mean you can't say it...

>>372024

dated two girls whos names were four letters long and both were like *a*a, so that's how that happened.

Also one time me and an ex were fooling around when she told me to put on some music, so I got up and went to my computer and turned on Massive Attack's Blue Lines and she fucking laughed at me. I should of broken up with her for not realizing how awesome that album is.

deep throat blows....

I was doing my GF in the missionary position. The moment after I came, i looked down to see a flood of blood around mine and here genitals. My first reaction was: "I hope it's yours". She wasn't to happy and freakrunned to the bathroom.

Ps: it was my blood =(

>>some of these i've heard from friends:

>gf: hey, im kinda embarrassed...
>bf: alright, you wanna take a shower or >something first?
>gf: what? you saying i stink or something? >jesus christ
>bf: what? i thought a shower might relax you a >bit, and most people go for showers before sex.
>gf: oh, i see, so im too tense for you then, >and i stink. well im not like most people, i >dont want a shower. im fine.jesus christ. you >really know how to whoo a woman
>bf: well fine then. geez, all i asked a was a >question to see how you were doing. is that so >wrong during sex?
>gf: oh so its all my fault then?
>bf: ....
That kind of way of thinking of women I will never get.

>>372671
>it was my blood =(

THE FUCK?

>>372671

What the fuck

>>372671

EXPLAIN YOURSELF

>>372671

lol aids

ive done two things
first was "your breasts are not the biggest ive seen" (dont know why the fuck i said that)
and "uuhh maybe later" (she wanted to kiss after she swallowed my cum)

>>372681

i fucking can't. A minute later i was cleaning my dick and i had a little cut, just below my "dickhead" (dutchfag, can't recall the term). Don't know how it got there. A week later (when the wound was healed) i called her vagina a peniseater just before having sex. Again; she was not too happy.

>>372693
the word is glans, but dickhead works fine

My girlfriend was sucking me off and I blew my load in her mouth.

That was pretty much the only thing she WOULDN'T let me do during sex, she hated the taste. I slipped.

Anyway, she stands up, plants a firm kiss on my lips, and spits my own jizz into my mouth. Then goes "how do you like it?"

I said: "Eh, I've had better"

Then we just sort of stared at each other for a bit.

>>372701
HOT.

After reading a post here, I sent it to my girlfriend and asked, "can I cum in your mouth"?

And she was like "Nah, but you can come in my face."

She was probably joking, but I just love how she's so open minded she doesn't freak out when I say stuff like these.

>>372701
It is wrong I want my partner to do that?

i've blown it in my g/f's mouth and kissed her afterward.

feels good man.

>>372711
Wow yeah. Sounds like she's very open minded. I mean, mine lets me come in her mouth all the time, but, you know, yours sounds pretty good too.

I'm Harry Potter, and here's my magic wand.

"you've got a perty shit tap" said that after downing half a bottle of patron and petting her head at the same time :) felt good man

I talked my girlfriend at the time into having sex while she was on her period, saying it wouldn't bother me. Then when I pulled out and my cock hit my leg, leaving behind a dead placenta smear, I promptly freaked out.

Same girl, different period, she had a tampon in and we were messing around and the string kept brushing my leg and I kept laughing. She didn't appreciate that.

Another time a girl was giving me head and like, she hummed or mumbled or something, unintentionally and I told her that felt good so she says "What do you want me to hum on your dick?"

The answer was yes. She didn't do it.

Me and my flatmates intentionally had a contest to see who could yell the stupidest thing during orgasm.

Mine was "KAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA""

My cousin told me he told a girl once, "Do you want it?"

Mine is worse: "Suck my pee pee."

i said "i want my dick in your mouth" to my girlfriend. she did it. and swallowed. feels good man.

after cuming "And boom goes the dynamite." Surprisingly, she did not watch Family Guy as much as me and thought I was just stupid.
Also, lived with a couple guys, and every time one of us got laid we'd yell "BYAHHH!!!" like in Chapelle's Show. That was always funny.

>>371935

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

>>372800
i lol'd so hard

A friend of mine once asked his GF to call him a T-rex, She did, he then yelled cause he wanted her to say TURANASAURUS REX.. I lol'd

Same friend, diff girl.. He was doing this chick doggy style and he started to say, "Im a robot... Im a robot"

Same friend diff girl, After waking up next to a chick he asked if "They had the sexuals"

Same friend Diff girl... He wanted to watch TV chick wanted sex, she jumps on top and he couldn't see the TV, he positioned her so he could watch TV, he let out a laugh and kept watching TV and fucking the chick..

MY FRIEND IS EPIC WIN!

after a particularly amazing blowjob, all i could manage was "wow...jesus" etc. She then says "told you i was good" and my response was, for some reason i still don't quite understand, "i'll say, you could suck a golfball through a garden hose"
...
...
...
(her) "you what?"
(me) "you've never heard that before?"

>>372653

That's like a PBF strip waiting to happen

My gf gets ridiculously wet when I finger her, and by the time i get my cock in her, she's practically gushing. I once said "it's like fucking a water balloon".

Not the smartest thing I've ever said.

I asked my girlfriend if she ever jilled herself while thinking about me, and she said "yes, of course". Then she asked me if I thought about her when I whack off and I said,

"Sometimes"

That got me cut off for about two weeks.

>>372080
>>372148

I love you so much, internet

I had just smoked a bowl with a girl, and she managed to talk me into sex, even though it was during her period. i plowed her for about 3 minutes, then looked down and saw the blood on the towel shed put down. I freaked out and screamed.
about 30 minutes later she said "that wasnt that bad!"
still high, i responded "IT WAS A FUCKING BLOODBATH YOU WHORE"
she was angry for a few days.

Missionary. All of a sudden I get a weird comedic/clown vibe or something, and start bucking. I say "I'M GONNA GRAB YOUR STUFF!"
Then I grabbed at her breasts and started flapping them around, saying "IM GRABBING YOUR STUFF!! HA!!"

what the fuck?

>>372854
LOL!

I sang "swing low, Sweet Chariot" while getting some dome. But i did it in order to freak her out, she laughed and then domed me more enthusiastically.

>>372855

I lol'd. I'm totally gonna say that next time my gf and I fuck.

"I'M GONNA GRAB YOUR STUFF! HEEEHEE HOOHOO I'M GRABBIN UR STUFF"

>>371546

Most fucking stupid thing "I'm about to cum, stick your finger in my ass." She got off, got dressed and left, I just sat there with my wtf did I say that for face on.

i've also had impromteu clown moments... best i've done was making a "honk honk" noise like a horn while squeezing the breasts in time

She said spank me, so I did. And then she said harder, so I spanked her again. Then she said harder even louder, so I smacked her again, this time left a really bright red hand print. She screams, "no not like that!".

So... I punched her in the back of the head and she smacked her face onto the head board.

She meant "fuck me harder".

>>372800

haha you sir are a legend

My gf asked me "what are you thinking" while I was plowing her missionary style. When I have sex, I try to remember as many state capitals as I can, helps me last longer.

I said "Nebraska!"

This is what I love about me and my current gf. We say retarded shit to each other all the time (she even more than me, sometimes), and neither of us get turned off by it. It's like, we're horny, and we laugh. Two great things rolled into one.

There's this song about cows, goes something like "I got those milk 'em in the morning and feed 'em, milk 'em in the evening blues..." Don't have a lue why there is such a song, but there is.

For some reason, I started singing that while fondling her boobs during foreplay, which turned out to be "Oh no the fuck you don't let me go and your cut off for a long fucking time" play.

DO NOT SING A SONG ABOUT COWS WHILE FEELING YOUR GIRL'S BOOBS.

You will thank me for that someday.

My gf and I have this thing where we shout random things during sex... It's always a good to hear her screaming "Maybe... Maybe... MayBEEEEE" while I'm plowing her.

I've taken to shouting "BLASPHEMYYYYYY" while I cum. Good times.

Huh....Well, I pulled down my first GF's panties and looked at her gigantic bush, and I yelled "It's like a cat!"

I pet it.

:During:
Her: Fuck, you should be a porn star
Me: I doubt you'd like me fucking asians
Her: You'd fuck an asian?

>>372905

Hooray for racist girls! My ex once went on a half hour rant about Mexicans like 10 minutes after sex. I was all like, "Bitch, shut up so I can sleep. And make me a sammich in the morning".

>>372722

Not at all. I suggested it to my own girlfriend...

She asked "Are you gay?"

Being a smartass, I said "Maybe."

so..much...win..

>>372365
that got me laughing like a retard for quite some time

me:how was it?
her: bitter again.
me: yeah i stopped eating fruit

This thread is just awesome. Some of these are fantastic.

Me and my GF always have to interrupt sex for dumb reasons, but it's never because we're mad at each other, it's usually because there's some funny noise, or one of us falls off the bed, or we do something awkward while changing positions, and then we just start laughing and can't stop for like 20 minutes, and by then we're just way too turned off to fuck. It's pretty bad. But hilarious. (A good laugh is less satisfying than fucking, unfortunately.)

I was also with this girl (one-time fuckbuddy) and she was real loose. Earlier in the day we were talking about the last guy she'd fucked (the night before, no less) and he apparently had a really big dick. I was having trouble cumming because she was so loose (like 40 minutes, and I was actually TRYING To cum), and I was getting sort of frustrated, and said something like "Jesus, he stretched you out like pizza dough!" She laughed, pushed me onto my back, and sucked me off until I came.

She must get that a lot.

>>372362

Shit, really? It kinda weirds me out how much my wife wants to be spanked. Like all the fucking time "slap my ass" and "harder" and I'm thinking "just STFU, I'm busy here".

Married life sucks.

according to my buddy, he was fucking a girl he'd just started seeing; she wanted him to talk dirty; he didn't really know what to say, so he comes up with: 'i'm going to get you so fucking pregnant'

apparently that got him a O.o from her and she got real quiet for the rest of it. at least she didn't leave, i guess.

>>372024
i dated the one girl for 7 years then started dating another less than a year later and got so into it i just wasn't thinking what i was saying...

oops

>>372855
>>372855
>>372855
>>372855

It took me a good 10 seconds to regain my breath after reading that.

A hundred internets to you, sir

>>372950
Same here.

Her: I want it doggy..

Me: Yeah, I'm gonna' fuck you like a dog

.....

Her: ...wat

We both had a good laugh when we were done, though.

My signature move with one gf was to immediately pull the condom off after climax, hold it in my left hand, run it between my right finger/thumb all the way to the tip, and say "structural integrity...........sustained!"

>>372049
wait I'm confused, why is this a bad thing? Wouldn't saying no be worse?

Dude, you have to roll more if you're going to get any good.

I said this to my best friend who was playing Super Smash Brothers Melee, and letting me use his bed to fuck my girlfriend at the time.

Swear to god.

>>372653
AHAHAHAHAHAHA

That reminds me when a friend wass telling about how he had spent the whole morning watching 90s cartoon intros and later that night, while him and his lady were going at it, the theme song to Freakzoid popped into his head.

There was a time when the girl I was dating was giving me a handjob while I drove her home. It was the first time I had ever had a HJ so I was really excited and said, "your good at that."

She stopped immediatle and said I called her a whore. We broke up a week later. Dumb Bitch.

I was going missionary on her. She sometimes kept her hands pushing on the wall to prevent her head from hitting it. She accidentally slips and hit the shelf right above us which was holding books, a lamp and glass of orange juice 3/4 full. Everything collapses on my back. I stop for a second. My hands and her back are soaking in OJ. We LOL. Then I start thrusting again with the shelf still on my back. Her smile disappears and she says: maybe we should stop now. In a disappointed tone I answer: Yeah... I guess so... :(

During.
He was trying to go anal (I want it, but haven't been with a guy willing to until him) He was almost completely in one night, moved the wrong way, and I screamed and jumped.
A few minutes later I said "I didn't realize it was so big"

Fortunately we just laughed and moved on, but it has come out several times since then

Just imagine ...

You're laying in bed, reading. Your boyfriend is in the bathroom. All of a sudden, he runs out of the bathroom holding his cock, jumps on the bed with it aimed at your face, and screams, "HURRY! HURRY!" just before busting his nut in your face without warning.

That was what happened one night with me and on of my ex's. To this day, I still don't know what the fuck.

"Your ass smells like shit."

>>372983
Once I was having sex with this drunk chick, and my friend walked into the room. He didn't react at all to the fact we were having sex, and just started talking about the Dark Knight, which I had seen the day before, and he just got back from seeing.
We talked about all of our favorite parts and talked about parts that confused us... all while I was fucking this chick. This went on for about twenty minutes. I almost completely forgot she was there. After my friend left, I notice the girl is pretty wiped out. She says, by her own account, that she came six times after my friend walked in and throughout our conversation. She thought it was hot that I was ignoring her and that someone was watching.
I go, "That's cool. So I'm going to cum now. Where do you want it?"
She says, "all over my face."
This is an honest-to-God true story.

one of my exes was still in high school while we were together. on prom night, she went to the dance with a very gay mutual friends. after wards she got hella drunk and met up with me at my friend's place and we went to a hotel. we got naked, started fucking, she's drunk so i'm just railing her . . . and then she calls me by our gay friends' name. i paused for a moment, staring at her . . . then we both started cracking up and went back to fucking. good times.

>>372989
Ha ha, that is legend
>>372983
You my friend are a trooper

First time I ever did anal with a girl, I pulled out and a little blop of poop came with it. I didn't keep my cool too well.

"OH MY GOD IT'S SHIT! IT'S SHIT! IT'S SHIT!"

>>372991

lol wtf indeed

>>371679
HAHAHA win!
>>371693
Done that, ruined the moment...

immediately post-sex i asked my girlfriend if she liked jarlsberg swiss cheese

>>371816
Holy shit! I use SHAZAM! All the time, mostly as a way to express that something is done, like after I come.
I used mosttly after captain marvel.

i'm waiting for marriage

i really don't want to get married


this sucks

>>373024

You probably just can't get any.

must..bump..

Best thing on /hc/ in a LONG time.

One time, like a minute or 2 after, while we were both lying there next to each other sweaty and naked, she asked me "what's your favorite animaal?"

I was gonna say pussy, but I probably would've gotten hit.

I said Giraffe, and everything was fine. But weird.

so i went over to one of my x's house and we watched tv for a while in front of her parents, we had this blanket and the couch was awkwardly facing the couch, so she lays on my lap with my left hand right at her crotch, she starts massaging my hand against her thin sweat pants. i finger her for a while and afterwards we're talking on the porch, i tell her to put it in her mouth and she gets down right there in the front of her house at night.

mmmmmmmm. the excitement of getting caught at any moment. priceless

>>373000
Can't. Stop. Laughing.

My girlfriend was eating me out and I queefed, I was so shocked I screamed, "WHAT DID YOU DO?!" and we both laughed for like ten minutes. No more sex after that though, that's a mood killer...