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your parents sound awesome

>>5178210
oh lawd i lol'd

>moot

"FUCK YOU CHILDREN!!"
after we were talking in the car and dad took a wrong turn (we were in europe driving on the right hand side of the road)
ausfags btw - we drive on the left

>>5178204
Your mom is a crazy whore.

mewtx

This is a clever troll.

"STOP FUCKING SWEARING YOU LITTLE CUNTS!"

>>5178204
Your dad's awesome.
But your mum is disappoint.

My dad:
"Do you like my new glasses, they are like the ones that Gordon Freeman has."
"Well, I liked the PS3, it matched the TV-screen."

My dad is the captain of a 200 ton ship. I put "on a boat" on my sister's phone as the ringtone for when he calls her. Upon hearing the ringtone, my mother said:

"Oh my god you better get rid of that right now or you'll get arrested for... Indecent phone.

Dad:
"I can't believe you got a D in industrial tech!" *throws frying pan and then phone against the wall and ground, respectively*

Mom:
"This is my second marriage. My first one was with one of your friend's fathers." (I was 15, and had no idea about any of it)

DAD: "So DJs are like... playing music notes while they spin the records?"

Korean here.

"Who cares, they arent even human beings anyway, I dont know why white people put up with their shit"

(on niggers getting killed in some disaster)

>>5178204
Your dad's mean T_T.

But he sounds like a total bro so it's alwriiiight.

mum: "i swear to god if you dont shut the hell up im going to fart on your pillows - do you want pink eye?".
she said that while my friends were over , wasnt cool.

"Australia is America's most important ally" My dad and I are Ausfags. I'm not sure why he got this opinion.

in b4 archive

Dad: "It's cold today, don't let your computer get a virus"

Mom: "Why don't you like her? Is it because she is black?"

Dad:
"Nigerians took my job away, no way I'm voting for some nigger. You tell me one country that's run by a nigger that's worth a flying shit."

Mom:
(walking in on me watching anime) "I don't want you watching that Pokemon crap. It encourages animal abuse and slavery."

"Juden sind Abschaum" - Dad

Mom: "Go back with playing with your dick"
"Today your brother has dick cheese, and oh god it smeared everywhere between his thighs" She said this while I was eating.
"You suck cocks"
"I hate how your father has shit smeared in his ass."

Dad: Basically somewhat the same as my mom

"You're a parasite to society"

She said that in a very mean voice

Mum as she walks in on me on the toilet: "ooh, I want too play with the sexy leeetle man..."

Dad walking in on me reading out loud from a German textbook: What the fuck is this neo-nazi shit?

Your dad's fucking awesome. Your mom is batshit insane.

"Keep bitching to get that shit off your liver". My mother, a while back.
Still don't understand what the fuck she was talking about.

"I pressed j but it came up with k! I need j for just!". Dad, while I was trying to teach him how to text.

My Dad:

-(talking about the capybara's at the san diego zoo)
-"that is a BIGASS Guinea pig!"

My Mom:

-"look, if you want to smoke a little weed, just make sure you do it at the house here and not in some crack den."

>>5178331

wie sagt mann Abschaum Herr?

>>5178348
your mother is a tactless cunt.

(watching something about a Japanese supermarket cashier competition on tv)

DAD: "Japanese people are all fucking stupid" (10 second pause, keeps watching) "AND on top of that they're all hideous."

I was not disappoint. Also, frenchfag here.

>>5178331
Your dad is awesome. I wish he'd be my dad.

>>5178265
>>5178265
>>5178265
>>5178265
>>5178265
>>5178265
HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH AT FIRST QUOTE

My father after drinking all my beer, and me asking why he did it.
"Because I was thirsty, and I can do anything I like"
What a fucker.

"my friend jo has died"

to which I stood in quiet, awkward, impotent and ineffectual sympathy

>>5178383
You're mom's cool. When my kids get older and start to smoke weed, I'll show them what's really what

>>5178299

omg do I knoq you

(While I was watching hentai i didnt realize my mum was behind me, luckily it wasn't on the sex scene yet)
Mum: Oh are you watching kids cartoons? Aww those bring back memories... can I watch with you? No need to pause you can keep playing
Me: Uhm.. no i don't think you'd like it
Mum: Oh but the characters look so cute with their big eyes, I want to see too!
Me: Uhh *panic*

Me: *watching film*
Dad: Who the fuck is that jew?
Me: That guy? Adam Sandler
Dad: Why are you watching this crap he's a jew
Me: *switches channel*
Dad: That guys a jew too, flithy disgusting animals...
Me: Ben Stiller? How do you spot jews anyway?
Dad: You can see it in their faces and also their names, any name with 'gold' or 'stein' etc is a jew. And when you get 'Goldstein' that must be a flithy fucking jew.

>>5178443
l love your father.

>>5178443
Your parents are pretty cool.

>Aww those bring back memories... can I watch with you? No need to pause you can keep playing
>No need to pause you can keep playing

Embellishing the story much?

Mom:
Why do you dress like a nigger?

(I wear jeans and a shirt, so she thinks thats me trying to be all gangsta.)

MOM:
I don't really see asians as humans. I mean, they look like midgets or something lol!

MOM:
Niggers :D

MOM:
The shit will not teach the asshole (addressing me)

My dad's a cool guy, so he's got no strange quotes, except noting the cuteness of a fourteen year old girl who walked past me in the shopping center once, which was kind of pedobear.

My mother:
Pack your shit and leave.

ITT: our parents are fucking insane

I was about three and was running around the house yelling "bullshit". My mom dragged me into the bathroom, pointed at the toilet, and said, "if you want to say it you're going to eat it". Shut me up real quick.

>>5178384
Ich glaube, du meinst "Was bedeutet Abschaum", und Abschaum heisst "dregs", sowie "Abschaums des Menschens", oder "dregs of society".

DAD:
Hitler was doing a good job, but went a little overboard. He should've focused more on the jews.

>>5178384

was

wasbloxx

Mom: Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?
Mom: Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?
Mom: Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?
Mom: Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?
Mom: Are you a lesbian?
Mom: What about my grandchildren?

Dad: "Would you shut the fuck up I'm with my kids" (upon walking past two women swearing loudly when I was like 7, it was pretty awkward)

>>5178525

Jude = lebensunwertes leben, nein?

scum, etc

>>5178525

ah ja, ich verstehe

Sort of related.

Grandma after I said I don't what to get married:
What? Are you going to masturbate your whole life like your uncle?

>>5178523

you have bullshit in your toilet?

>>5178523
You let bulls use your toilet?

>>5178443

u wanna tell ur dad Stalin and Lenin were jews, those names were party names

my mom:

"your father's a bitch"


my dad:
"your mother's a bitch"

>>5178539
Your grandma is bass ass. o.o

Dad:
"I think we should just nuke the chinks and get it over with."
He also calls Obama "Mr. Alabama"

>>5178536
Macht kein sinn. Es gibt kein "Lebensunwertes" in den Deutschen Sprache. Meinst du vielleicht "Lebensunwu"rdigen"? (" ist ein umlaut, weil bei 4chan sind non-ASCII buchstaben nicht erlaubt)

I didn't live with my Dad, and he was pretty serious. Mellow, though. Cool guy.

Mother
"Go fuck yourself."
(after I said "You smoke too much," age 12) "And you're fat."
(after I asked for $150-$200 for clothes) "Jesus, I never thought I would raise another girl."
Every day of her life: "Poof, be gone." Annoying cunt.

I don't love my mom. Once I'm done with college I'm going to medical school to be a doctor then not giving her any monies or support when she's old.

>>5178544
>>5178545

I think she was talking about shit in general.

Dad:
"The reason that I drink is because I raised a waste of a human being"

>>5178544
>>5178545
Nice hivemind, by the way.

"I love you, son"

Dad - "Slap her arse and ride the waves" - Referring to my mother

>>5178567

Nein, der Eugenik der NSDAP sagen, alle Juden / Zigeuner / schwarz / etc Lebensunwerten Lebens - es ist ein Ausdruck oder ein Titel, kein Wort.

>>5178582
awwwwwwww <3 i'm sorry

Mom:
"Honestly, you were a mistake, if I had only taken my last birth control pill that week, my life would've been a lot better. Why weren't you at least born a girl?"

My dad took me to one of the most dangerous ghettos in the country so that he could show me what it is like to live in poverty.

Anyways, we decided to tour in the place is a nice lexus. As we were driving by a group of black folks walking down the street, gangster looking types, my dad put on a beanie, rolled down the window and said "YO WASSUP DAWG??!"

He then sped away laughing.

My dad acts like a teenage brother rather than a father.
He lives in San Fransico (Briftfag here), came back to visit for a while. I got into his car to him blasting out heavy trance music putting in eyedrops.
"...Why do you need eyedrops?"
"I've been clubbing till 4am every day this weekend, welcome back partys are great"

It really felt like a movie moment. Keep in mind he's 51.

Dumb americans ITT in this thread.
Sage in all fields!!!

>>5178604
Ich habe nie von dem geho"rt. Lernt man etwas neues jeden Tag, oder?

ITT Apples who didn't fall an inch far from the tree.

I was in line at the bank with my mum when i was about 10, it was lunchtime and there weren't many staff around to serve people, because some of them were on break. so this woman started to complain to this guy who walked past, and was giving him shit.
my mum then started arguing with her and telling her to stfu. the woman goes ' well some people cleary dont know the value of time'
my mum replies by going 'yeah, maybe you would understand if you got a job and stopped being such a vapid whore'
pretty awkward at the time, but funny when i look back on it.

dad was stereotype biker/musician/rebel
mum was swooned by his manliness

the bad thing about being born in January is you think nine months back it was April and your father busted inside your mother and yelled APRILS FOOLS

he ended up being the CEO of a rather large plastics company so i've been well off, however the one thing that he has said that actually stuck to me is

"effort equals reward"

>>5178638

Warum wollen Sie? Deutschland wurde von Juden und Slawistik seit 1945 laufen. Man lernt, eine Geschichte der Luge.

>>5178632
Newfags can sometimes be cute.

Your dad: Hates races than his own, is focused on the aesthetics of things, very image conscious.

Your mom: Debilitating, you are an accident even if she hasn't admitted it (surprising). Also, as off her rocker as Harley Quinn.

Dad: "Obama is a communist. I'm thinking about moving to Germany."

Mom:
"The Beatles sucked." (She only listens to mainstream country radio)
(I said, "I only listen to a handful of extreme metal bands.") "Yeah, well, you shouldn't listen to ANY!"
"I only say 'nigger' when telling a story, I think it's wrong for a white person to say 'nigger'."

ITT: the poorly bred sons and daughters of the lower middle-class.

Mum: "I'm going to cancel your subscription to Google"

Mom: "Stop buying so many shoes, You are acting more girly than I am."

Dad: "See, this black leather pouch shaped like a vagina here is called a niggers cunt."

Dad: "If you do not get yourself a gf soon I'll Buy one for you from Russia"

Me and my dad walking past a striphouse:

Me: "Soo, you ever going to take me there?"
Dad: "If I'd have any money I would, do you got any cash?"
Me: "Only some coins, will that do?"
Dad: "I don't think the strippers would appreciate us shoving nickles up their cunts boy"

>>5178716

Your dad sounds like a champ'.

>>5178629
LOL, the mental image of that is amazing

>>5178331
"Son, why are you acting like you're a bro on fourcham, when your bebo says you are fat and single? Not to mention underage b&"

>>5178629
Also, holy shit. What a champion.

About some money i got for christmas:
"to buy you some more mainboard"

some more of it. loved that expression.

>>5178569
Your mom is fucking right,you faggot.

"I'll pay for your college education. Don't worry about anything. No, it's not a problem that you didn't paint the house this summer again. I love you."

I feel sad now. :(

my dad: "tastes like shit and strawberries....and i hate strawberries."

>>5178629
Your dad is fucking nuts/awesome.

Shit like this makes me eager to be a parent.

Dad: (after falling and scraping my knee. I was crying.)
Listen you little shit. I don't want to see any pussy tears coming from you. This world's a tough place and there's no use crying over a fucking scraped knee. Man up, boy.

I was 5.

Mum - "Don't you dare delete iTunes or you'll pay for a new one!"

Good times

>>5178645

"I have one word for you. Plastics."

Disclaimer: until this point, I had never heard my mom say any curse words. She is a saint and is very respectable about people's sensitivity.

Now, back in 5th grade, i finally had learned all the curse words and what they meant. One time my mom and I got into an argument and at some point or another I called her a bitch.

... then there was an awkward silence. She had her mouth open and looked as if she was going to cry. I had felt so bad, and couldn't believe what I just said.
But then she just simply replied with "fucker!". I ran crying into my room.

Mom:"you were an accident"
"D: WHAT?"
Mom: "HAHAHA I AM SORRY BUT YOU WERE."

shit sucked but I guess I laughed it off.

My dad enjoys constantly telling me I'm not worth a shit though.
In those words

"You're a piece of shit and you're never going to get anywhere."

he's such a fucking prick.

>>5178867
Now that's proper parenting.

Me: "I honestly think that socialists have good intentions"

Mom "Yeah, well the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

She didn't realize she was using a Marx quote to argue against socialism.

"In case you should ever marry or have children, I'm gonna disinherit you! I'll not let you make the same mistakes I did."
My dad truely cares about me.

Dad: You gonna buy me a beer when you turn 18 boy?

"you should have been an abortion"

:(blox

>>5178938
I think that says more about Marx than it says about your mother.

>>5178204
OP,your parents are niggers...and you nigger too!
---
Your cap.

>>5178938
So, Marx believed in hell and in the road that led there?

After dropping me off at school when i was seven my father said "If you get into a fight win it"

"If you turn queer I'll kill you"

My mom:

"Get out of my house! GET OUT! I never want to see you again!"

My room was untidy.

"I love sucking cock" - Dad

If you people introduced your parents to this board, maybe it would not suck so hard.

Dad:
-(Upon passing an accident) "Whoa. He got the tits knocked outta him!"
-(While raging at conservative radio) "No you dildo, the government doesn't work that way"
-Various insults he has used at drivers: "Peanut brittle", "Yahoo", "donkey dick", "piss ant".

>>5178938
What does Groucho have to do with socialism?

My dad:
- FUUUUCKING HELL! -punches hole in kitchen wall-
- We should just round up all the politicians in this fucking country and kill their families in front of them, then kill them.
- General rage towards the upper class, lower class, and asians.

My mum:
- oh btw, did you know I was still married to my ex-husband when you were concieved? He and your dad were mates.

"Never marry a black Jamaican bitch!"

I had been having a bath while awkwardly listening to my parents fighting and my dad imparted this piece of advice to me after storming into the bathroom and taking a piss. I must have been 6 at the oldest because I remember which house we were living in and we moved out of there two days after my 7th birthday.

Oddly enough, the only black girlfriend I've ever had wanted to get married and I always refused which was the reason we eventually split up. I will never be able to say with absolute certainty that my refusal wasn't at least partly down to my dad's advice.

inb4 Mutt, Mongrel etc.

>>5179116
>-punches hole in kitchen wall-
in europe, we build walls from BRICKS.
enjoy your termites

I am starting to revaluate you guys.
With parents like that it's a miracle you're not even worse than you actually are.

once while my mom was driving the ac didnt work so i asked if she could open the window. she was sick at the time and when i asked she responded with :ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! AIR IS FOR CRAZY PEOPLE.

So, it seems most of you had terrible mothers. Is this why you turned out to be so mysogynish?

ITT : Awesome dads and batshit moms

Holy fucking shit your guys' parents all sound fucking awesome?
So why are you all dull, whiny cunts? What the fuck went wrong?

More about the pic?
Looks like.. interesting.

Father-
"Hey, guys? I don't mean to alarm you, but I might have to go through the ER." (Was working with me on Pinewood derby cars when I drilled into his index finger to the fucking bone. He never once screamed, though. Growled, but didn't scream)

Mother-
"If a man ever tries to rape you, you shoot him in the head. Don't just wound him, kill him. Dead men can't sue you later on." (While my sister and I were being given "the talk")

Dad: "why don't you eat some steak you fag."

Yeah, vegeterian here.

ITT: A lot of racist parents.

Explains a lot, really...

>>5179135
Non-supporting wall, perhaps.

>>5179195
I had no awesome dad, just a batshit mum.
Shitsux.

Dad
"If you come back home beat up from a fight the other kid better look worse or you will"

>>5179135
it's drywall, bro

>>5179226
i want to have rough non-consensual buttsex with your mother.

My parents believe that if you consent to sex whilst you're drunk, you're being raped.

dad: watch out for the japanese snipers, them and their nudist wives are everywhere. Yes, i am serious.

hey son. what? you smell like a turkish whore.

"I know how dangerous the city is Tristan, I listen to talk-back raido"

>>5179296
Are you a girl? If so, they're right. If not, then they're wrong wrong wrong

>>5179011
I don't know anything about marx's religious beliefs but I am sure he was capable of creating a metaphor.

I come home drunk one night, think I was 17. My dads still awake, kiss him gnight.

"Ay, more gum next time man."

Dad : "I wanted to name you Oedipus. Figured we could shorten it to Ed and, you know, it would be kinda funny."

Mom : "FUCK FUCK FUCK DINO DICK!"
(regards to the contractor)

Dad : "Remember what Icecube said, bitches aint shit."
(when I was distraught over an ex)

Dad : "You know, Snoop makes almost 11 million a year even in retirement, those tapes you ordered when you were 16 must be popular."
(he used to manage Snoop's retirement fund. He has a framed picture of him and snoop in his office. I've had dinner with Snoop. Awesome.)

>>5178314
>>"It's cold today, don't let your computer get a virus"

I lol'd heartily

Got permission to drive my fathers new mercedes yesterday, and at around 2 pm i picked him up from a bar.

-Son, if i've wanted to be driven by a woman i'd just asked your sister to pick me up. Now you better step on the gas or the car will lose its sex appeal.

Oh yeah, we were doing around 120 mph

>>5179329

I didn't know you were black, Broseidan

>>5179277

I've heard of a lot of dad's telling their kids to always fight back, or win their fights or something like that.

My pussy dad told me to never fight ever, and to run away and tell if someone punched me.

wat a faget.

>>5179329
Broseidan, if you aren't trolling, post a thread about your dinner with Snoop please.

>>5179357
Heh. Am not. Neither is father or mother. But daddyo is damn good at what he does, so snoop hired him. My dad now has this huge collection of hard core gangsta rap which we ride to.

>>5179389
Heh, not trolling. Im headed out though, i'll do it later tonight if im online.

Me hanging out with this girl who was in love with me, but I had no interest in her. My dad was convinced she was fat. She was kinda chubby, but not morbidly obese.

Dad: *Walks in on me and this girl just talking in my room, about to go for a walk*
Me: Hey.
Her: Hey.
Dad: HEY IT'S THE FAT GIRL. I KNEW YOU WANTED HER. *Laughs like a fucking madman and walks out*

"We're very proud of you.."

Yeah, my parents and I are pretty much awesome.

>>5178322
>"Nigerians took my job away, no way I'm voting for some nigger. You tell me one country that's run by a nigger that's worth a flying shit."

I like your dad.

Upon walking in seeing me playing the vidya

DAD: wow these new computer games are great, they really look like peop....HOLY SHIT DID THAT GUY JUST EXPLODE! AWESOME.

My dad is a bro

Dad: (To me and a group of friends) We got rid of the Chinese phone book at work today. There was so many Wings and Wongs we would always Wing the Wong number.

Perhaps it would have been funny if our Asian friend Jin wasn't there.

Me(explaining that it's a good thing that I'm an only child, only for the sake of my potential sibling): I dunno, I even though I always wanted one, I think its good for my potential brother or sister -

Dad (cutting me off): It would've been a sister

Me: What? How do you know?

Dad: All the children I've fathered have been girls.

Turns out I do have some siblings after all.

>>5179416
...How about the U.S.?

Dad: Son, there is only one thing that matters in this world and it is money. Not just in the currency form, but in the form of indebtedness. Never give out something you can't get back and always stay clear of owing anyone anything.

inb4 Jew

"if someone ever trys to bully you or push you around, punch them in the nose untill they think twice about messing with you" - my mum told me this when i was 8, some kids a couple years older than me had started bullying me so i smacked one of them in the face and then got the shit beaten out of me.

When i was getting sent home for starting a fight ( i got in trouble, which is wasnt fair at all) my mum left work to pick me up and then she told me she was proud that i stuck up for myself - happy times

Whilst watching the world athletics championship and seeing Phillip Idowu (britfag here)

Grandad:"What the hell does he think he looks like? A Scottish Jungle Bunny?"

I was in hysterics for upwards of 2 hours. pic related. it's the jungle bunny in question.

DAD: My last fuck was younger than your girlfriend.

Me and my girlfriend were 16. He's a 42 year old man.

Mom: "I'm so tired of hearing about these problems in Iran."
Me: "Do you even know what continent Iran is on?"
Mom: "DON'T TEST ME!"

>The shit will not teach the asshole

:O

thats best thing ive ever heard

Me (about 5 yrs old, upon hearing the phrase "sight for sore eyes"): Dad, what does that mean?
Dad: Well, if a beautiful naked woman rode up the path right now on a lion, that would be a sight for sore eyes.

My Mum was right there as well.

My Dad was awesome.

Once I told my dad I love him (I have done it once that I can remember, this time), he repied by throwing up and shouting "Son bring some toilet paper and water and clean this mess up".

Grandad: "WE NEED TO GET THIS FUCKING NIGGER, OUT OF THE FUCKING WHITEHOUSE, HE'S PROBABLY GAY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!"

In talking about Brigham's Big Dic ice cream flavor, my Grandmother couldn't quite recall it. "Big whaa? Did you say it was called Big Dick?"

Unable to bear the temptation, I just stopped talking and stared into space. She realized what she'd said and gleamed a tomato red as my whole family burst into embarrassed laughter that tittered on for a good 15 minutes until we could continue the conversation without interruption.

>>5179305
itp daddy watched babel

i hope he choked

>>5179533
The scariest part is that your granddad was right
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvVEzb0edPE

America seriously elected this scumbag, because he was able to cover up this affiar. Seriously, holy fucking shit. And this isn't the only exposed gay sex scandal involving Obama.

"Son, the truth is the world is a horrible place. I apologize for bringing you into it. I didn't know any better at the time." - Dad

>>5179559
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GquA1sObQq8&feature=video_response

WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT!? Holy fucking shit.

Dad: I don't mind if you smoke weed, as long as you get me some too.

My childhood was awesome. My mum walked out so it was just me and my dad. My dad was a fucking bro.

>>5179559
It's on youtube so it has to be true

Dad: You ever tell me "shut up" again I'll shove a fucking fist down your throat.

Mom: (Upon hearing I got my first speeding ticket) I ought to slash your tires, puncture your gas tank and rip up your license.

They've raised a very obedient son.

My mum's too sensible to say anything stupid.
And my dad's too smart to open his mouth about anything.

My grandpa, on the other hand, says "Poor little bugger" ever time he sees a black child.

>>5179577
So what you're saying is that you can't refute a single point, so your attacking the source rather than the argument.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fb6cwJ5ZK64&feature=related

Dad:
(Blue screen of death on Win95) "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS NUM LOCK ALWAYS ON? If you keep fucking with the computer locks you aren't going to use it"

:(

>>5179576
quit samefagging.

Dad: When I was in high school, I got robbed by a black who had a toy gun that looked so realistic, I had to believe him. He made off with 2 whole dollars. I told the police, they caught the guy, and they sent him to prison for 5 years. For the rest of high school all of his friends and family hassled me cause I snitched on him. Ever since then, my relationship with blacks has been pretty rocky.

>>5179616
more youtube videos. awesome

in spanish, parents tend to say "Hijo de tu madre" a tone-downed version of "Son of a bitch"

so one day mom gets pissed at me for forgetting to brush my teeth. then she says

"Hijo de tu Madre" (means "son of your mother")

then i made the best comeback ever...

"WHICH ONE?" since she has 3 boys

ive never met her fist before until that day, and i never want to meet it again. lol

my mum
''good morning!'

My dad:
- You don't really have to leave. This is your home right here. You mother really didn't mean what she said.


My mom:

- Get the fuck out if you don't like the way things are. Nothing is gonna change but you in the long run. (I left home that same day)
- Why the fuck would you bring her to my house? She's a Nigger! (About my soon to be wife)

>>5179822

I want to fuck your mom.

>>5179822
Well, she does raise a good point. She IS a nigger. Seems kind of irresponsible to date one and abandon your heritage.

my dad(freely translated from Dutch): 'If i had done it on the radiator it would've ended with a sizzle'
He is of course refering to the night i was conceived...

>>5179822
What else did your mom say about your girlfriend? Story time.

Dad, the first time meeting my girlfriend. On our upcoming trip to Vietnam-

"I hear Vietnam is a nice place for a holiday. I wouldn't know. The last time I was there I was shooting cunts."

Mum, on seeing members of a notorious Australian biker gang called the Banditos-
"Hey look there goes the bambinos!"

>>5179616
>OBAMA IS A SECRET HOMO MUSLIM COMMIE
>Source: Youtube video
>your attacking

Oh christ, get the fuck out.

>>5179822

You should listen to your mom you filthy blood traitor

>>5179865
>>5179683
Still can't disprove a single allegation, I see. The Obamaboots have trained you well in the art of blindness.

>>5179822
holy fucking shit i hate people like you. your the reason whites are disappearing so quickly. your a race traitor and fraternizing with ugly fucking apes, you cunt
whats wrong, all the beautiful white girls reject your ugly ass, so you decided to commit bestiality? go to fucking hell you slimy piece of shit, if i ever saw you on the street id kick your fucking ass.

me and my mates once ran into a faggot like you with his negress. we beat the shit out of him and fucked her up pretty good too. you dont fuck with your heritage, asshoel

>>5178630
I know your pops!

I only have one that'll be a little funny for /r9k/.
-My mom:
"Why are you so mad at me?"

About a minute after finding out she cheated on my dad and that's why they got divorced. She felt her having fun was a higher priority that her family.

>>5179898
cool story kid

>>5178630
FUCK YES. I hope that's me at 51, but one of those 51 year old guys that is still cool and shit and not one of those 51 year old guys who tries way too hard and in a constant mid life crisis.

My dad:

"What are you, QUEERS?!" (when my brother was tickling me)

"It's rolling around like a cranberry in a cunt" (He used this alot when I was a kid, it's a crude saying in my language so it sounds kinda stupid in english)

"Ohh look, the pit black devil" (We were driving around and a black man walked by)

>>5179925
Aww, does the nignog need his fried chicky?

>>5179616
What's there to refute? Just some guy talking about obama being gay. You treat it as if this is a viable argument with a source that needs to be refuted. This could be uploaded and made by any joe average, and even if it wasn't, where are the sources? Where's the proof? They're just loose statements from someone who is against obama. Treating it as anything more than that just shows your own incompetence when it comes to proper debating.

this thread explains alot

Mum: when you were born you were quite ill and kept going blue...
Dad:Blue for Rangers

>>5178630
Be my guest.

>>5179836
Im Not White

>>5179869
Woah there Aryan Nations.

>>5179898
Come at me without your "mates" internet tough guy lol.

>>5179853
At dinner she said "What the hell more do you people want anyway? Your not slaves anymore."
Dad does a palm slap
Silence.

My wife says" Forty acres and a mule bitch!
I loled

>>5180023
Except when he took a certified polygraph test, administered by trained professions, he passed. He stated that he performed oral sex on Obama and used coke with him in 1999, and the polygraoh tests all showed him to be telling the truth. If you were even remotely aware during this time, then you would've noticed the massive media spin and coverup of these results, as all of the websites were shut down before the damage could be done.

Your dad is awesome, but your mom really needs some help. Maybe a psychiatrist could help? Or then just let her kill herself

>>5180077

all that means is that he *believes* that he sucked obama's cock and did smack with him

which is pretty sad when you think about it

>>5180074
>Come at me without your "mates" internet tough guy lol.

Post an address and we'll be there if you're within 200 miles :)

Dad
"Ah damn, I should've raised you differently."

Mom
" I'M LEAVING THIS HOUSE AARGH!!!!" (every few months since i was 8yrs old)

>>5180090
You're right, it is sad.
Sad that we elected a president who not only does drugs and has gay sex, but who also lies about it to cover it up.
What else is Obama lying about?

>>5180077
Damn, if that's true, Obama is fucking awesome

This was said after I walked in on her sucking my dads cock


My mom: Don't you know how to fucking knock?
My dad: Don't you know how to fucking lock the door? Stupid Bitch!

>>5179958
Are you a finn? because that "rolling like a cranberry in a cunt" sounds so familiar :)

>>5180077
you think if this story had ANY sort of credibility. I mean ANY. Fox news wouldn't have hopped all over it?

ITT: why /r9k/ is full of fuck ups and loners.

>>5180077
>BREAKING NEWS: Delusional man claims he sucked the presidents dick, passes polygraph test!

He could say he ate satans asshole and would pass if he believed it himself.

>>5180110
wait, fox news = credibility now?
fox news never reports accurate things about obama. socialism, muslim, terrorist, hates america, hates white people, etc.

>>5180093
25 Lupine Ave Apt 2
San Francisco, ca 94118

Come and get me cunt...

Mom: "Saying Obama is a Nazi because he's a Socialist is like saying you're Hitler because you have brown hair."

>>5178710

ok, 10/10, you earned it lol

my grandmother...

"if gays are allowed to marry, they'll take over the world"

if she only knew i also liked chicks, shed probably crucify me. goddamned catholics.

>>5180151
Wow, those are some ugly ass buildings on that street.
How can people live in those shitholes?

>>5180151
dude, you should NEVER put your adress on 4chan. like, really.

>>5180151

You posted your address on 4chan? What a retard holy shit.

>>5180175
It's not his address dumbass? Do you really think this chickenshit would post his real address and risk having the neo-nazi kick his fucking ass?
He's a pussy, and he'd never do that.

In high school I had friend over and we were were sitting in the living room watching a movie and mom comes in and says to me
"Can you get lice in your pubes?" I just sit there with my mouth agape and the she turns to my friend "Can you get lice in your pubes?" He left like ten minutes later and we never hung out again.

>>5180129
which is exactly my point. if those are the types of things they said....you don't think if this story was true as anon proclaims they wouldn't hop all over themselves to broadcast it day and night?

Me: Yeah, they were total bros.
Mom: ... Were they black?
Me: No!
Mom: I'm just asking!

Dad:
-'I can't wait to leave from this place, I'm gonna go really far'

this was out of nowhere, we were having dinner on the backyard and my mom went to the bathroom, the coward watched over his shoulder before telling me that traumatizing me and making me hate him. He probably doesn't remember it but I'm sure he has the same feeling still. This was like 10 years ago.

>>5180187
And two from my dad
This one is recurring "I hate this family" every time something goes wrong
And two"I don't have many regrets but you're one of 'em" said after I handed him a report in which I got a D in geometry

>>5180187
your friend was a dick
I would have rofl'd after your mom left

>>5180183
I used to spam my phone number and address on 4chan all the time. Nothing ever came of it.

>>5180187
Is your mother a fucking whore?
Shit.

me: if i won the lottery, i would pay off all debts, buy you a new house wherever you'd like, buy myself a house and get everyone a new car :)

dad: if i won the lottery i would just run far, far away.

>>5180248
I was too afraid to ask him to hang out again because I afraid my mom would say something stupid

>>5180258
Well she has been married to only my dad...

>>5180214
He probably stayed for you ya know.

Mom: "No, honey, you weren't an accident, you were just a... Surprise. A wonderful surprise. Isn't that right, Roger (My dad)?"
Dad: "Don't lie to the boy..."

]:

Dad: "If everyone in America was a fag, then people wouldn't have children, leaving us vulnerable to our enemies in the future! Like the Koreans!!"

>>5179226

Similarly, when I nicked my knee with an idling chainsaw and had to walk up a hill holding the skin together to find my parents, I said something similar upon finding them. Something like "I think I might have to go to the emergency room."

One time I hit my head on a peace of construction equipment when I was playing tag with my friend I a construction yard (they building a new mall a short walk away form my neighborhood) there was blood everywhere I ended up getting six stitches, it was so bad my friend had to guide me home because there was blood in my eyes, when get home my dad just start laughing at me.

"You're just jealous because you have smaller boobs than me." [during an argument]
"That looks like a pack of condoms." [on the packaging of 5 gum]
Both from my mother. My father's boring.

>>5178630
hate to break it to you but your dad sound like he is gay. no straight 51yo is clubbing to 4am. they think it's gay probably.

>>5178629

For some reason I picture Clint Eastwood as your dad.

Dad: "Don't ever run from faggots."

Mom: "Listen to your father, dear."

Dad:

"You were adopted.
But they brought you back."

First, a question: to those who are saying "this explains a lot" or whatnot...don't all parents say shit like this (i.e. shocking, mildly traumatic, etc)?

Second

My Mom (once every couple weeks for almost as long as I can remember when in an argument with my dad and pointing at the glass doors of the gun cabinet)
"I'M GOING TO GRAB ONE OF YOUR FUCKING GUNS AND BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT"

>>5180469
No, they don't. My parents are educated.

Me:
"Hey dad, where's that bottle of whiskey I left here last weekend? You didn't drink it all did you?"

Dad:
"Of course I fucking did."

I couldn't be mad at him after it, he rarely curses.

>>5180475

That explains why you're such a faggot.

This entire thread is a cesspit of fail, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Can't think of many, ussually it's my dad who brings out the retarded quotes:
"Kids, I'm afraid your mother and me need some "alone time, you can come in and do the dishes about half an hour"

Crazy bastad, thank god everyone in my family is somewhat odd to begin with,

>>5178550
Dzhugashvili and Ulyanov are not Jew names.

Mom:

Your dad got his dick sucked by that nigger bitch and now she wants a job from him.
Dad:


Never love a guy more than he loves you.

>>5180382
Post pictures of your mom right fucking now

My Dad:
- "Sex is great on meth."
- (of the chick he was "dating") "She's about your age."
- (subsequently) "...how old are you? 23? 24?"
- "I never really wanted kids."
- (on money for college, which my brother got but I didn't) "I always assumed you'd just get a scholarship."

My Mom:
- (of by brother and I) "I have my overachiever and I have my underachiever."
- "For years I thought *your brother* was gay." (heavily implying that she thinks I'm gay)
- (to my then-girlfriend, over casual dinner) "When Anon was in school, all the teachers and guidance councellors said he was a high risk for suicide and that he should see a doctor." (this was true, and I assumed my parents just didn't realize. now I know they knew...but just didn't care.)

DAD: Son, there are only three constants in this world; the water always wins, all weather is caused by uneven heating of the Earth's surface, and private schools are all run by a bunch of faggot cocksuckers.

My dad had a dispute with a nearby private high school over the students driving too fast in the mornings.

>>5180074

Your wife is now my fucking hero.

Dad: "Fuck trees, smoke bitches, get money."

Mom: "No, it's smoke trees, get money, fuck bitches."

>>5180483
Haha, what's the matter? You mad?

my parents never say anything offensive, racist, sexist, vulgar, etc. etc.

they are so nice and boring...i'm definitely gonna say a lot of hate speech in front of my future children, just for kicks

Dad:
"Wow, this Dragonforce band is really incredible! I've been listening to it while I run on the treadmill at the gym, and it makes me a lot faster!"

Upon seeing me with glasses for the first time : "Hey, you sure do look a lot less stupid!"

"those FUCKING jews!"

My mom:

"every time you go to one of those horrible punk rock shows I pray for you, I'm just so worried that that music is going to stunt your growth and turn you into some kind of evil sex pervert!"

My Mom:
2003: "I think Iraq is going to nuke us soon."
2005: "I think Iran is going to nuke us soon."
2007: "I think China is going to nuke us soon."
2009: "I think North Korea is going to nuke us soon."

Mom: "Anon you need to face your turtle fears"

I am as confused about this now as I was then.

If my mum or dad are playing their music and i can hear them from my room I usualy complain, then they always tell me "put your headphones on" like I cancells out all sound, I don't even want sound on for a while, is that so hard? I'm actually more old fashioned than my parents, I like music before their time and hate people making noise.

>>5178383
>>that is a BIGASS Guinea pig!

I don't really blame him... that's what they look like.

"Your standards have really dropped." - Daddy

"You missed the windows in the back, I didn't pay you for nothing".

- My mom to a homeless black guy after he offered to wash the car for a quarter. I'm surprised he didn't scratch the car after he finished... he actually did a nice job.

haha my dad a few minutes ago after seeing an that "mikado" advert.

"I love japanese girls, esspecially those ones with the huge eyes...you know...pokemon"

ITT: we realize how we came to browse /r9k/ 24/7

>>5180709

That's not a giang guinnea pig...THIS is a giant guinnea pig.

> The creature weighed in at 700 kilograms and lived eight million years ago, roaming the lush banks of the ancient Orinoco delta in northwestern Venezuela. But the three-metre-long, 1.3-metre-tall behemoth was an evolutionary cousin of today's humble guinea pig.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn4183-buffalosized-guinea-pig-revealed.html

>>5180754

Lemme guess, Rich young chick who's fucking bikers now?

>>5180469
We don't have guns here.
And no, my mother never said anything that scary anyway.
I'm sorry to telly you, but your mother isn't normal at all.

>youtube comments
This is beyond BULLSHIT. Seriously this guy just wants attention. Why would Obama get head from a white guy? We all know he is racist.

>>5180686

You have trouble fighting from your back and you shell up instead of throwing punches. You are also slow.

>>5178312
it's true though
we saved your asses from the japs in ww2 and you guys have been fucking tight with us since, not to mention you guys have a pretty small but highly trained military. and you aren't tied with britain anymore and aren't peace loving grass eating moral fags.
thanks mate lol

Dad:
"Che Guevara was a modern hero for his people"

>>5180796
They were driven away by Peruvian flute bands.

>>5180056

Oh God, I know so many people that would probably have said that in the situation...

Anyway, as for me, my mother was a closet lesbian. My Dad was just a weird nerd, and for obvious reasons, they were separated. Can't remember my Dad saying anything funny, but I do always remember my Mum giving me condoms from about the age of 13 because she didn't want me to "ruin some young girl's life like most men want to". And then her always asking me if I hadn't brought a girl home because I was gay, and then when I was 16:

"Mum, I'm bisexual"
"No you're not. You're just desperate."

My Mom:
-"I can't stand all honkeys."
-"I don't care if she's mexican, asian or whatever just don't bring no white bitch into my house"
-"White people are the most evil people on earth... and they smell like wet dogs."

My Dad:
- "All bitches want to have babies."
-"Ugly motherfuckers are always jealous of good looking motherfuckers."

...yeah

>>5178204
slap the shit out of your mom after you get your license and never ride with her again

Okay ya pricks, come a nd help archive this:

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Mom: Why does your sister have to listen to all the jigaboo music

Dad: You look like a girl with your hair that long
Me: That's it, I'm not coming to your funeral.
Dad & Me: lol

My parents are great.

I told my mom my gay cousin was getting married.
Mom: "Ugh, why do they have to do THAT?!" and starts sobbing

>>5181112
dad seems like a cool dad.
;-;

"Sheeeeeiiiit, we gonna git full up tonight chillun, we gots da good catfish wit sauce and some cooooo'wwwwn bred and all dem greens!"
My dad when I brought home some soul food takeout for dinner last month. After dinner he got up and walked towards the back door saying "Time for muh menthols aftah dem good eats."

"That's racist, I want you both to apologize for that."
My dad to my brother who was speaking in the exact same voice he uses every time we order ethnic food (chinese, indian, thai, etc. he has voices for all of them). Also, note I didn't say a goddamn thing but he wanted my apology as well.

>>5181148

My mom and dad offered my sister $1000 to break up with her boyfriend. My brother said he would chip in $500 to sweeten the deal. They were serious too, my entire family hates this guy.

>>5181205
damn, what's wrong with him

also, pix

>>5181205
In before she takes the money, breaks up with the guy, spends it all on stupid shit, is back together with him before December.

"Yeah, he's hung like a horse."

My father, to a co-worker. I used to work in a factory with him when age 12 through 14.

>>5181213

He's just the typical asshole (lying, cheating) and she doesn't want to be alone (typical girl). He eats all of our food when he comes over too. They have been dating for over a year and I haven't spoken to him yet (and never will). If they ever decide to get married my mom, brother and I said we wouldn't come to the wedding.

I actually don't have any pictures of her (or her boyfriend).

"LET'S JOIN THE KKK AND KILL SOME FUCKING NIGGERS"
-My dad, driving down the interstate, with all the windows down. I was 12.

>>5181233
Where are you from?

Fucking Indonesia?

Dad - Where did you go so wrong?

Mum - Don't end your life that way. It would break my heart.

>>5181371
Most of my life has been spent in Minnesota.

It's dreadful growing up poor.

>>5181422
Are you Laotian?

>>5180469
My parents are fairly boring, white, and middle-class liberals. I'm the one in the family that will say offensive things for shits and giggles.
Hell, I didn't even know until recently that my dad enjoyed black humour.

Watching the election, sees Obama is chosen.

Takes a sip of his beer.
"...Huh. Never thought I'd get to see TWO presidents assassinated in my lifetime."

"Dad, all the girls complain that my dick is too big for them, it sucks"

"you just don't know how to properly lubricate a woman, son"

my father rolls down his car windows and barks at homeless people in the city

"... But what're you going to do?"

"After my brother knocked his girlfriend when he was sixteen due to some sort of pre-cum issue, I was scared to death! I went through High School afraid of the opposite sex, and on more than one occasion, I was almost raped in the backseat of my car. Needless to say, I started having sex in 'Nam, and those Vietnamese hookers set me straight. I highly recommend it."

"The Tinglaaaaaaaarrrrrr! *Menacing cackles*."

"Johnny, no matter how much I hate your mother, I'll always love you."

ITT: Parents' racist remarks towards Asians, Jews, and Blacks

>>5181600
thats actually pretty hilarious I would love to see that.

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My dad:
"I don't care what it is you're out doing, if you come back with the police I don't know you."

Mom:Why don't you get a fucking friend instead of moping around the fuckin house all day? Stop being so god damn pathetic, you never do shit, etc. etc.


My dad was a lot easier on me. Of course, my mom hated my dad, and there were many times they were on "the brink of divorce". Go figure.

>>5179311
Why hello there Double Standards!

Mom: To think, Moses might have been black!

Totally out of the blue.

>>5178204
Hey, your mom sounds a hell of a lot like my own mom.
My mom: "If I had it to do over again, I would have never had children."
"If I had a gun right now I wouldn't be here."
"Sometimes I feel like walking out of this house and never coming back."
While my sister and I have had to put her on suicide watches and talk her out of despair and self-harm.

Mom on the phone with dad, custody battlan:

Dad: (something to the effect of "you wouldn't be upset if one of our kids died/left/whatever?")

Mom: "I can always make more kids!"

>>5181112
I got a better one:
"Atleast it gets me lots of lesbian action."
Eh..? Eeeeehhh...???? See what I did there!?

Oh, just the usual stuff. You know, like accusing me of being a lesbian because I suck at relationships and didn't have a boyfriend in the last 10 years or so.

Oh, and once my parents found my yaoi folder (Back when I was living with them.) on my PC and they somehow came to an idea that's I'm actually transgendered and that I want to be a gay dude.

Holy shit. You people make my parents sound like saints. No wonder you're a bunch of embittered, poor, racist people.

Dad: "Niggers are only tough when they're in groups. One on one they're pussies."

"You know what happens when you get leukemia? You die! hahahah" (My lymph nodes were severely swollen and i was getting an extract test to see if i had leukemia)

Dad
"You just spend all your time in the playgame"
(he meant "playstation")

mom
"of course he masturbates in the bathroom"
a little chat between my mother and older sister about mi self-gratification habits

lolparents

>"I swear to god I'm going to crash this car and kill us all RIGHT NOW!"

Dad giving me 'the talk': "Sex, can ruin your life. Look what happened to your brother, he had sex at a party with some drunk whore and now he has three devil-children. Don't let that be you."

Me, seven years later losing my viginity: "Can I please wear a condom? I know you say you're on birth control but I don't believe you..."

Dad after trying to run over a cop with his car who pissed him off :"NEXT TIME I WON'T MISS".

Mom to some liquidators after our dad's company went to bankruptcy : "I've got two cute and smart kids, how much?"

Mom again because she worries about me having no girlfriend: "It's ok you know, we wouldn't mind anything, you could bring a guy home, we would even prefer that over a black girl."

And I agree'd with her.

"Have you ever noticed where niggas live, grass doesn't grow Marcus? Go to the ghetto, there isn't any grass there. Africa is full of niggas...guess what, no grass."

"White people's eyes turn red because they are the devil's spawn race."

"Don't bring home a fucking white girl."

"Shut up and do your homework nigga. I'm tired of you."

Black anon by the way.

bump


mootblockzz

>>5183385
But that was pretty accurate after all.

>>5180151

We will...we will rape you!

just realized how nice that white girl's ass is in OP's pic

wow

Dad: I WAS JUST TALKING TO A GUY ON THE ROOF IN THE GARAGE!

My Dad is just fucking insane.

Dad: "Turn on your webcam. I want to see your face... and where you're living now."

(after I refuse)

Dad: What are you hiding?

This is when I moved abroad, my dad was trying to "covertly" make sure he was still talking to me and not some foreigner who abducted/killed me and was using my laptop. I wish I was kidding.